


Guilty

by vavavavoom_beautifulbeautifulbombshell



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bitterness, Borg have flaws too, Canon Divergence, Character Development, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Femslash, Hurt/Comfort, J/7 is always Endgame for me, Janeway is a mess, Lesbians in Space, No Lesbians Die, Personal Growth, Slow Burn, The void before the void, Tough start but gets better, season 5, there is light at the end of this tunnel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:06:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 30,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27943484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vavavavoom_beautifulbeautifulbombshell/pseuds/vavavavoom_beautifulbeautifulbombshell
Summary: After a particularly heated argument with Seven, Janeway is beside herself, unable to keep her emotions in check and hide behind her Captain's mask of indifference any longer around the younger woman. Hence, she tries her best to avoid the ex-Borg's presence at all costs these days and stays in the safety of her ready room and her personal quarters. To her chagrin, she must soon realize however that running away from your feelings can only last so long before reality strikes back full force...
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Seven of Nine
Comments: 100
Kudos: 47





	1. Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I'm back with a new, more serious story. This story talks about sensitive subjects, so if you're not comfortable reading that kind of content, please stay away from it. You have been warned. To all the others, I hope you are able to somewhat enjoy reading this story. The beginning is going to be pretty tough, but I promise you that it is eventually going to get better. Comments and kudos are always highly appreciated! So please feel free to leave those. :)

It had been a particularly stressful day on the ship. My duty shift on the bridge unable to distract me, much less calm me down. I missed our talks, spending time together, simply put I missed her. My heart ached at the thought that our beginning friendship was over before it had even properly started.

After what I had found out earlier today and the words she had practically spat in my face there was not a doubt in my mind that she despised me and was sick of my presence.

Hence, as hard and painful as it was for me, I had decided to avoid her from now on, trying my best to suppress those feelings I had been harboring for her for so long, unrequited. How could I have ever been so foolish to believe that we could become friends? I don't deserve her friendship, her trust, or her affection.

As I sit in my reading chair, my favorite book in hand, a cup of coffee that has most likely grown cold by now standing on the coffee table, a sigh leaves my lips. I simply can't concentrate on anything today. The words keep on blurring before my eyes, not making any sense at all.

My mind is too preoccupied with memories of the past, all those precious moments we spent together, conversations we had, matches of Velocity we played, the progress she made ever since she first arrived here.

I'd been so proud of her, no I'm still so proud of her. Yet, she doesn't acknowledge this at all. In the end, what does anything matter anymore now that I have forever lost her? Did she ever trust me after all, or was that all just an illusion I'd lived under and made myself believe, simply because it was easier than accepting the truth?

I'm really such a fool! Surely, we'd had arguments, differences in the past as well and our relationship had often been frustrating, infuriating even. Yet, at the end of the day, we always managed to patch things up and reconcile, or so I'd thought. Did she only do so to appease me, to please me? Was it all simply an act from her side? If so then what was the purpose of that act?

I'd always seen her as someone that's honest, often even brutally so. This fact is contradictory to what she told me during our last argument, however. Why would she hide her true opinion like this, mask her true impression of me, of our relationship for so long? Did she enjoy playing with me after all? Was it satisfying for her to see me suffer? To lead me on, make me trust her, care for her, only to in the end let me fall?

Looks like coffee simply won't do the trick on a day like this. I need something stronger. Sure has been a while since I last had to bend protocol and order actual liquor from my replicator. A sigh that seems to come from the depths of my core escapes my lips and leaving my reading chair I make my way over to my replicator.

Let's hope and pray it won't betray me tonight and provide me with what I'll order. I send a glare at it for good measure before placing my order. „Whiskey, neat.“

As expected my replicator warns me that alcohol is bad for your health and advises me to consume it carefully. I roll my eyes at the safety protocol Starfleet has invented and press the button to confirm that I indeed want to order what I just announced. To my relief, a tumbler with the familiar amber liquid materializes before my eyes.

I gratefully grab the beverage and not caring to take a seat since I'm in dire need to calm down first, I down the whole content of the tumbler right away. I close my eyes for a brief moment, basking in the familiar burning sensation the liquid leaves in its wake while traveling down my throat.

That hits the spot! It indeed is a whiskey kind of day.

I'm sure Seven would not be pleased if she would see me like this now. Oh, who am I trying to fool? She probably couldn't care less! After what she told me earlier it's pretty obvious she doesn't give a damn about my well-being.

To her, I'm just an irrelevant old starship captain and that's still to put it very nicely.

In all honesty, she most likely thinks of me as a monster that has robbed her of the one thing it had initially promised to grant her...


	2. Accusations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very hurt Janeway reminisces how she ended up in the situation she's in right now and what has led to her fall-out with Seven.

**Earlier that day...**

After another heated argument with Seven last night I stand in my ready room, stumped. The things she said to me there, accusations she made that I would abandon her, only see her as a machine, much like my replicator, just like the Doctor, and given the opportunity, I'd delete her memory and rob her of her individuality as well, as I did in his case and that it appears to her that she has chosen the wrong person as a mentor to teach her about humanity, stung more than I'd ever care to admit.

How was I supposed to tell her that she by no means is like the Doctor to me though without sharing those feelings I've been harboring for her for a while now? It's impossible to confess to her when she is not even ready to hear me say those three words to her yet.

Love is irrelevant to the Borg and as much as I'd like to think this specific ex-drone feels differently about this matter, it's plain to see that as far as she's come in regaining her individuality and humanity, she's still far from being capable to understand a concept as complex as love, or romance for that matter.

I stop my pacing and musings and after checking the time, I decide to head to Cargo Bay 2, to have another talk with my Chief Astrometrics Officer. Hopefully, she has calmed down a bit by now and I'll be able to lead a civilized conversation with her, instead of having to deal with another argument.

Truth be told, I'm sick and tired of our constant arguments. As much as I enjoy having discussions with her in general, butting heads with her and shouting at each other always leaves me behind frustrated, and upset. I care so much for this extraordinary young woman, but frankly, I doubt she is even aware of that fact.

Taking last night's disagreement into consideration, it seems to me she sees me as nothing more than a cranky old starship captain who has severed her from her beloved Collective for no reason at all and thinks of her as nothing but a useless machine. Does she consider my actions, my motives selfish?

How can she possibly believe that she means nothing to me? That I merely accepted her as a member of this crew out of a moral aspect? Simply because she originally used to be human and as such it was my duty to ensure her well-being, rescue her and bring her back to the Alpha Quadrant, back to Earth, back to Starfleet even, because I am a Starfleet Officer and it is part of my principles to ensure people's safety.

I shake my head dismissively, pinching the bridge of my nose as I feel the headache of a century forming behind my frontal lobe, causing me to sigh. You can do this, Katie. If compassion doesn't help you with this woman then you can always try to approach her diplomatically. After all, diplomacy is one of your strengths.

A little voice in the back of my head tells me sarcastically at this that I did try that before and it doesn't always work out with Seven either. I swear, I'm reaching my limits with her. She really knows how to push my buttons and I don't always appreciate that. Sometimes I even go as far as wondering if she's merely teasing me to acquire a certain reaction I'm not sure what that might be.

No, that can't be. Her progress in terms of humanity, albeit far for someone who has been part of the Collective for almost her whole life, is far from being able to plot such schemes and for what purpose anyway? What would be her gain in this?

Once I've arrived at my protégée's private refuge, I brace myself before walking in, command mask in check, trying to display an air of authority I'm not feeling at this moment. I'd love to be able to meet her as a friend, instead of the Captain, but knowing her that would probably defeat the purpose of my visit.

As much as she still loves to undermine my authority, as well as ignore command structures, Starfleet protocol, and rules and regulations, it is more likely still for her to listen to me and follow my advice if I talk to her in my command tone and wear my command mask.

Emotions and human interactions are irrelevant after all. When I walk in she doesn't greet me as she usually would, completely ignoring my presence which hurts since I know for a fact that she is able to notice it far before any ordinary human would, thanks to her enhanced senses.

She must still be mad at me. Then again, anger is irrelevant. Oh boy, this indeed is gonna give me the worst headache ever, I can already tell before we have even started this conversation.

I walk up behind her while still keeping a safe distance, watching her tapping away at her console for a moment, seemingly busy assimilating new information. I wonder what she is currently conducting research on. Judging by the way her fingers are furiously hammering into the poor machine makes me actually feel sorry for it and afraid that I've arrived at an inconvenient time.

There's no way I'm gonna retreat now though. She's definitely noticed me already and if I'll simply leave without saying anything how does that make me look? It's only gonna make her think that she's won again and I won't give her the satisfaction of that.

So I gather all my courage and speak up, command voice in check. "Seven. May I have word with you?“

She doesn't bother turning around and simply states. "You have already spoken seven words, Captain.“

I roll my eyes at her statement, telling her patiently. "To have a word with someone is an idiom humans use frequently if they're looking to discuss a matter with someone which is what I came here for.“

Seven nods curtly at this, eyes still facing her console. "So I see. You have arrived here 5.3 minutes ago, Captain. How come you only address me now? The matter does not seem to be urgent if you stayed quiet for this long without speaking up.“

I blink at her words, feeling utterly humiliated and frustrated. Of course, she measured the time it took you to gather your courage and talk to her. I answer her, tone void of any emotion.

"When I arrived here you appeared to be busy working, so I thought I'd give you some time to finish whatever task you were doing before I would address you. Since you didn't even acknowledge my presence, however, I decided to speak up and interrupt you after all.

Also, I wouldn't have come all the way down here if this wasn't important, Seven. You should know me better by now. I'm the Captain of this ship and have lots of things to do and places to be. So if I come all the way down here, patiently waiting 5 long minutes to talk to you, you can be sure it's urgent.“

To my chagrin, she states matter-of-factly. "5 and a half long minutes, Captain, and I know that you are commanding Officer of this vessel and have lots of important matters to attend to and places to be.

I apologize to have forced you to come 'all the way down here' to meet me. How rude and respectless of me to make you wait on top of that. An obedient little drone as myself should know better than to displease her master like this. Should it not?“

My eyes turn wide at her words, the blood in my veins freezing. "How dare you talk to me like that, Seven of Nine? Who and what are you taking me for? If this is your honest opinion about me then I doubt continuing this conversation makes any sense.

I'm very disappointed in you, Seven. I believe it's time for you to regenerate now. No more work for you today and no leaving the Cargo Bay until you have calmed down. You can be glad I don't confine you to the brig.“

She chuckles humorlessly at this, spitting out. "I am certain you would enjoy sending me to the brig again. Would you not, Captain? It must have filled you with great satisfaction back then to see me so vulnerable after you had just severed the link, my only connection to the Collective.

Ever since then my life was in your hands. What a shame that I did not turn out the way you had planned for me to do. Don't you think it is 'ironic' how the woman who told me she would help me regain my humanity, my individuality, in the end, loathed me when I voiced any opinion that did not conform with her own, any point of view that she did not share, or understand?

I know there is no point in me trying to argue with you any longer, however, Captain. In the end, you are always the one with the final say, who gets to make the decisions. Even if I do not wish to regenerate at this hour, you are surely going to make me do so regardless, because you are in command. Are you not, Captain Janeway?“

I have a hard time not to flinch at the way she spat out my name, making it sound like venom. My heart aches at what she just told me. If that's her honest opinion about me after everything we've been through together, everything I've done for her...

And to think I'd almost gone as far as to consider us friends already. I force down the tears that are brimming hot behind my eyes, my voice sounding hostile even to my own ears.

"You are going to regenerate now! That's an order.“

She struts over to her alcove at this, head held high, hands clasped behind her back as per usual. "I will comply, albeit I am not content to do so.“

I have a hard time not to sigh, feeling drained from all that arguing that has led nowhere, at least nowhere positive. If only I hadn't decided to come down here and try to talk to her once again. She stands in her alcove and I type in the code for a full regeneration cycle, her eyes closing as soon as I've finished typing in the command.

As I gaze at the face of the woman I've come to feel so strongly for over the past few months, my heart aches, a sadness so profound it makes me want to cry out at the sheer intensity of it, filling my every fiber.

How long has she kept those thoughts to herself? Is that what she thought of me all along? Would she have preferred to rejoin the Collective? Would she still prefer it now?

She has come so far, or so I thought. I was so proud of her progress, no I still am, but I'm sure she would never believe me if I told her that. To her, I seem to be a monster that wants to turn her into a perfect copy of itself. How could she ever misjudge me like this?

The only thing I am guilty of is loving her, despite knowing that she's incapable to return my feelings, or even comprehend them. Despite my knowledge that a Starfleet captain shall not fraternize with his or her crew, or alien species, which technically they would presumably count her as one, taking her background with the Collective into consideration.

To me, she was a human being from the first moment I saw her on Unimatrix 01, a young woman who had been assimilated and turned into a mindless drone against her will, taken away from her parents, 70 000 lightyears away from her home, the Alpha Quadrant and Earth with no contact to any other human being for most of her life.

Still, that gives her no right to talk to me like that. To assume my motives when in fact she couldn't be any more far off from the truth. All I ever wanted was to give her a fair chance to finally live, thrive, feel useful, and loved.

Apparently, I failed miserably...


	3. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is devastated after her argument with Seven and cries for the first time in a long time, mourning her loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with a double update. This chapter is fairly short, but I hope you are still going to enjoy it as much as that's possible with a tough story theme like this one and the amount of angst. If you do manage to enjoy it regardless of that fact, please be so kind to let me know. I always appreciate feedback of any kind. :)

Once I'm finally back in the safety of my quarters I dash off to my bedroom where I fall onto my bed, bawling my eyes out, punching my pillow before crying out in agony and despair.

The throbbing pain in my head is nothing in comparison to the pain in my heart left by those words she spat in my face, those accusations she threw at me like poisonous needles, hitting my already very vulnerable heart. I'm aware that would I not have those beyond unprofessional feelings for her, those words she said would have probably never affected me half as bad, if at all as they have coming from her.

That combined with the ever-present guilt that's been accompanying me ever since that day so many years ago when dad and Justin died turned me into the perfect victim for her attack. Knowing her, I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't in fact conducted research, using her Borg methods to hack into the old files regarding that accident back then and my role in it.

It's damn obvious I won't be able to get any sleep tonight in the current state I'm in. The demons of my past haunting me once again. Despite what everyone told me ever since that day, including mom and Phoebe, that it's not my fault, that I did the right thing by at least trying to save them, I simply can't accept that truth.

They died under my watch! I was there, God damn it and I could've, should've tried harder to help them!

A howl that sounds much like a wolf's cry which I, to my surprise must realize belongs to myself, resounds off the walls of my bedroom, the tears keep on flowing, my nose running causing me to sniffle pathetically.

What an old fool you are, thinking a woman like Seven of Nine could ever stoop so low to fall in love with you, or even consider you a friend! Who would want a cranky old guilt-ridden, coffee-driven starship captain that holds fast to Starfleet principles 70 000 lightyears from their HQ anyway?

Ridiculous! What a loser you are. You can be glad if you won't have to face an epic court marshall and get arrested once you get back into Federation space!

Considering what you've put the crew of this ship through, you'd clearly deserve it. It's surprising they're all still listening to you, accepting your role as their captain, and even respecting you after everything...

I barely register leaving bed and going over to my replicator in the main room of my quarters, ordering a coffee, and taking a book from my bookshelf, going completely on autopilot.

Using up my last ounce of strength, I bark out. "Computer, seal captain's quarters, authorization Janeway Pi Zero One Alpha.“

I sink back into my reading chair, sipping from my drink which to my chagrin only helps so much in calming me down. Looks like coffee won't do the trick tonight. I'd been hoping against hope that the days where I needed stronger stuff to calm me down were over. Guess, that was wishful thinking. Should've known better.

After all, I'm still very much out here in the Delta Quadrant, a lonely old starship captain with a huge bag of guilt and shame to carry on her shoulders. I have half the nerve to listen to Edith Piaf.

Knowing my ever-attentive crew, however, I know that such luxury is a thing of the impossible, especially at such an hour. I can't risk unnecessarily alerting anyone by blasting 'Non, je ne regrette rien' at 0200 hours.

Shame...


	4. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is struggling with everyday life, the grief over her lost bond with the person on board her ship that means the most to her affecting her far more than she'd ever dare to admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, ya'll! I'm back with another update for this story. Thank you for your support. Your comments and kudos are what keeps me going, so I truly appreciate it. I'll most likely come back with another chapter for this story later today, so prepare for another double-update.

**Present time**

I chuckle bitterly, getting up reluctantly to order myself another whiskey. At this rate, the Doctor's surely gonna wanna have a serious talk with me about my drinking habits. He already starts whining if he notices a crewmember has ordered one alcoholic beverage off their replicator. What a pain!

Suddenly a memory flashes before my inner eye. Of course, that graduation gift! How could I have forgotten about that? Looks like tonight's finally the time to christen that bottle of Bushmills.

When I originally decided to bring it along for this trip it had been meant to be a good luck charm and a reminder of dad. I, by no means, had planned to ever actually drink the liquid inside that bottle, but I'm sure dad would forgive me given the circumstances.

After I've poured the amber liquid into the tumbler, I lift the glass in the air and say softly. "A toast to the good old days, to the best father ever, to the woman I used to be and can be no more, and to all the people I've ever loved. You are dearly missed on this fucked up day...“

A fresh row of tears starts running down my cheeks and I let them fall, for once not caring how I look like. I'm a woman who has lost everything. Why would I bother about my appearance?

I eagerly down my drink, enjoying the feeling of actual liquor burning down my throat, filling me with a warmth I'd thought I'd lost a long time ago. It's funny, how only earlier today I'd hoped a certain someone whose name shall not be mentioned could fill this void and replace the cold with warmth, but boy was I wrong!

Didn't think the cold inside me could actually turn even icier, but the venom she spat at me earlier proved me wrong once again.

I wake up by the ship's computer declaring in that annoying monotonous female voice. "The time is 0600 hours.“

Ugh, what a nuisance! I open my eyes lazily, having half a nerve to simply stay in bed and call in sick today. As captain of this ship, I can't afford that luxury, however. My crew depends on me and I know that I owe it to them to show up for duty. It's the very least thing I can do for them to make up for all the pain I've ever caused them.

When I try to get up, I get halted by the unbearable throbbing in my head that feels like it wears twice its size, a wave of nausea instantly halting me in my movements. Shit! I've clearly overdone it last night.

I can't remember the last time I've woken up like this. It clearly was way before I took over command of this ship. Remembering the emergency hypospray in my bedside table, I reach over there, opening the drawer, blindly fishing for the tool. There's no way in hell I'll go on bridge duty in the current state that I'm in.

I certainly don't wanna turn into the ship's gossip topic and running gag number one, much less lose the last ounce of respect my crew still seems to have left for me, despite me giving them all the reason to start a mutiny and strip me of my rank.

Once I've pressed the hypospray against my neck, the effects of the contents of it are instantly noticeable. The feeling of nausea slowly but surely starts to subside, even my headache to my surprise is gradually lessening and turning at least bearable.

I get up, quickly taking a sonic shower, washing my hair in the process before dressing into a freshly replicated uniform, carefully attaching my pips to my collar, causing me to chuckle bitterly.

You clearly don't deserve those anymore and you know it. I shake my head, ignoring that pesky little voice in the back of my head, deciding to go to the mess hall and see if Neelix's got some real coffee since I know that I need it on a day like this.

When I enter the mess hall, I'm relieved to find the place almost deserted safe for a few early birds eating their breakfast. Good! I really wouldn't have wanted to turn into the center of attention at such an hour and before having my first cup of coffee in the morning, especially after a night like the last one.

I walk straight over to the galley where our ship's resident Talaxian is currently busy cleaning. He looks up from his work, a wide smile forming on his face, voice cheerful as ever. How he manages to be so jolly this early in the morning will forever stay a mystery to me.

"Good morning, Captain! What can I do for you on this fine morning?“

I have a hard time not flinching at his last words which couldn't have been a less accurate description. Masking my true feelings with a forced smile of my own, I reply.

"Good morning, Neelix. Do you by any chance happen to have fresh coffee around already? I'm craving a cup of the real deal this morning.“

To my delight, he nods and produces a can and a cup, filling the latter with steaming hot freshly brewed coffee. "I had a hunch you might come around today, Captain, so I brewed a can of fresh coffee especially for you! Looks like my gut feeling was correct. Shall I bring the rest over to you later?“

I smile for real this time and nod gratefully. "That would be perfect, Neelix. Thank you! I truly appreciate your efforts.“

I gently pat his shoulder. He grins widely and tells me jovially. "You're very welcome, Captain. It's the least I can do for you when you're working so hard for this ship and its crew every day.“

I have a hard time not to choke on my coffee at his words. It sounded so genuine coming from him, but I know better than to get my hopes up that at least one member of my crew still appreciates and acknowledges my efforts.


	5. Bitterness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Kathryn's dismay, everyone around seems to be overly happy today. When even Chakotay seems to have betrayed her, bitterness fills the lonely woman's heart and the void draws ever closer, threatening to swallow her whole...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two of my double-update for today. I hope you are able to somewhat enjoy this rather dark fic. I promise you, the suffering is only going to be temporary and there's definitely light at the end of that tunnel. So please stay tuned for that! Your feedback and opinions are as always very much appreciated, so feel free to share them if you can. :)

I excuse myself for the bridge, taking my cup of coffee with me. Upon exiting the turbo lift on Deck 1, Chakotay to my chagrin calls out cheerfully. "Captain on the bridge!“

What's with everyone being in such a great mood today? It's honestly pretty disturbing to me and it's clearly not the norm either. I walk over to the captain's chair while calling out in what I hope is my command voice. "Good morning, everyone! At ease.“

I mentally roll my eyes at the way the bridge personnel still acts so stiffly in my presence after all these years together out here, so far away from Federation space, and everything Starfleet.

I turn to my left and ask my second in command. "Anything exciting to report? You seem to be in high spirits today, Commander.“

He, to my irritation, blushes at this, rubbing his neck sheepishly, a grin on his face. "Is it that obvious?“

I nod and chuckle dryly. "Quite. Would you like to share what's gotten you in such a good mood, or is it a secret?“

He smiles softly and answers me. "It's no secret, Kathryn. I had a date last night, the first out of many more to come, as I hope.“

I have a hard time not to flinch at his use of my first name, feeling my heart sink at the new information.

Looks like everyone around me is busy forming couples, hu? With the only exception being my own sorry self.

I had expected as much loyalty from Chakotay's side that he'd be decent enough to at least keep such information to himself, instead of shamelessly bragging to me about it. That much for no fraternizing with the crew. Guess he officially broke that rule.

I have a hard time keeping my boiling anger at bay, asking him in feigned interest. "May I know who the lucky woman is, Chakotay?“

If he addresses me on a first-name basis then so can I. I'm still the captain of this ship after all. His eyes glaze over at this, grin deepening, displaying those dimples of his which I know make many females on this ship swoon who deem them very charming, his voice sounding more gentle than I'd ever heard it before.

"Of course you may, I'm not ashamed to share that information. It's Ensign Brooks.“

I nod slowly at this, forcing out a smile. "Your feelings for her seem genuine, Chakotay. You have my blessings.“

He smiles widely at this, telling me gently. "Thank you, Kathryn. I hope she feels the same.“

Oh, I'm sure she does...

Unable to stop me, I declare. "You know what, Chakotay? How about you spend some more time with your beloved Ensign Brooks? I'm sure she'd love getting to spend some quality time with you. Let me take care of the bridge for the time being and go to her.“

He blinks at this and tells me. "Kathryn, we only had our first date yesterday. Also, I'm still on duty and she's currently in her quarters, as I'm assuming asleep since her duty shift has merely ended a while ago.“

I smirk half-heartedly and tell him, my voice practically dripping with bitterness. "Oh, I'm sure she's waiting for you, Commander. Don't worry about your duty shift. You're relieved of duty for today. Go have some fun with her now. I'm sure she'll appreciate a surprise visit.“

He frowns, his voice sounding serious. "Kathryn, what are you taking me for? We've known each other for four long years now and frankly, I thought you knew me well enough by now to know that I'm not the kind of guy who's all about sex.

I thought you of all people should be aware of that by now. What's gotten into you today? It's not like you to be so spiteful and bitter. Are you by any chance... jealous that I'm seeing someone and you're not?“

'Yes, Katie. Are you jealous?' That ever-nagging little voice says mockingly in the back of my mind, causing my blood to boil in rage. So what if I am? I have no right to be jealous, do I? After all, it was me who stranded us out here so far away from home, from the safety of the Federation and Starfleet.

I don't deserve happiness, love, or to be romantically involved with someone. Not with all that guilt bestowed upon me by none other than myself, the shame it brings along with it, and the deep dark void I am constantly forced to face. I technically don't even have a right to be bitter or be mad at him for breaching protocol, or rather breaking our promise of no fraternizing with the crew. How I long for a shot of whiskey right now...

Knowing that I'm very much on-duty, however, I instead opt for the next best thing and pour myself a cup of coffee, telling him apologetically. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. That was tactless and rude of me right now. I was simply disappointed because I'd been convinced that we'd formed a pact if you will that stated we wouldn't fraternize with crewmembers and you pretty much broke that by starting to date Ensign Brooks...“

He looks at me in understanding, his voice laced with a sentiment oh too familiar to me. "I apologize, Kathryn. I didn't mean to betray your trust or break our pact like that. I'd been meaning to inform you of my plans to court Thalia earlier already, but you see, I wanted to be sure that we'd stood a chance first, so I thought I'd give us a while and find out whether this could turn into something serious, or not.

I'm not yet sure about her opinion on this, but I personally would very much enjoy going on a second date with her and could even imagine forming a more serious bond with her in the future.

How about you though, Kathryn? You can't seriously still plan to live in this self-imposed celibacy of yours?

As your close friend, I know for a fact that you are a very passionate woman who deserves to love and be loved in return. On top of that, you are very attractive and I'm sure there are quite a few people on board this ship who'd be very willing to date you if you would allow them to.“

I nod slowly at his words, in all honesty kinda stunned at his on-point assessment of the situation. Maybe he's right.

Maybe one day I'm gonna eventually try dating again, but I already know deep down in my heart that there's only one person on this ship who I'd ever truly want to go on a date and be in a romantic relationship with and that someone just so happens to hate the guts of me...


	6. Struggling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is struggling with the loss of the one closest to her, the fact that Seven and she would've usually had their weekly match of Velocity that day only making matters worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, my lovely readers! Thank you again for all the support and feedback you've offered for this story so far. I didn't expect it to get this much recognition at all. It truly means a lot to me! :)

Only thanks to seemingly gallons of Neelix's strong black coffee did I manage to survive this day on the bridge. Fortunately, I managed to avoid a certain someone and I plan to do so for as long as possible, if necessary for the next decades we'll be forced to be on this journey together.

I simply can't face her after finding out how she truly thinks about me. I'm sure it's in her interest as well if I stop visiting her in Astrometrics and her Cargo Bay. Those are the two main locations I'll avoid like the plague from now on. There's no other way to make sure I won't accidentally run into her than that.

Funny, how easily things can change. Until that first argument yesterday, I'd been seizing every opportunity I could get to see her, or meet her, just spend time together and now I try to avoid her at all costs.

My heart aches when I remember what day it is today and that we'd usually have our weekly match of Velocity on the holodeck together now. I guess I'll avoid going to the holodecks today as well then, just to be on the safe side. Looks like it's right back to my quarters today then.

Once I've arrived back there, I sigh heavily, sinking down on the deck, my resolve slowly but surely crumbling, tears stinging in my eyes and before long rolling down my cheeks.

I wrap my arms around my legs, rocking back and forth, humming an old lullaby my mother used to sing to me as a toddler, trying to soothe myself.

Oh, mom! What have I turned into? Was Seven right? Am I a monster? Is it wrong to love her? I know that I'm a fool, that much has been clear for a while now, but a monster?

I don't regret falling in love with her, despite my feelings not being reciprocated. It was a risk that was very highly likely from the beginning and I was prepared for it and willing to take it. What I wasn't prepared for, however, was the way she let me know.

Based on what she said last night it very much seemed that she's repulsed by my mere presence, finding it sickening.

I slowly get up from the cold, hard deck, dragging my feet over to my cabinet in which my graduation gift is hidden. I retrieve the bottle and a tumbler, before calling out. "Computer, seal doors to the captain's quarters. Authorization code Janeway Pi Zero One Alpha.“

Once I'm sure the doors are properly sealed and no one will be able to barge in unexpectantly, especially a certain someone, although I highly doubt she'd have the nerve to come here after that argument last night, she's sick and tired of my presence, after all, I pour myself a drink which I greedily down, desperate for that little bit of warmth and comfort it provides, if only for the night.

Taking the still fairly early hour into consideration, it merely being dinner time, I finally decide to give in to my desire to listen to Edith Piaf, calling out. "Computer, play music, playlist, Janeway 25479.“ I walk over to my bathroom, deciding to run myself a bath.

Maybe a nice soak is gonna help me get my mind off things, or at least relax my overly tense muscles, but first more whiskey.

I quickly leave the bathroom again to get a refill. Deeming it to be one of those nights, I decide to take the whole bottle with me. Once I've got what I wanted I walk back to the bathroom, quickly taking off my stuffy uniform before getting into the tub, sighing in content as the tension slowly falls off of my shoulders. I close my eyes, trying to simply enjoy the moment while it lasts.

That is until an image of the person I so desperately tried to forget all day decides to materialize in front of my inner eye in all her glory. No! Enough with this bullshit!

I open my eyes again. Guess I gotta relax with my eyes open for the time being. Even bathing isn't as fun as it used to be now that all my hopes are crushed.

I take a hearty swig from the bottle, hoping it'll help me forget at least for a little while. Tomorrow's gonna be another long day on the bridge. Maybe I'll at least be able to hide in my ready room for most of the time.

Deciding I've been in the tub long enough, I try to get up which is much harder than expected due to the amount of liquor in my system.

I curse under my breath, forcing my protesting body out of the water. Bet she'd have the time of her life if she could see me struggling right now. Once I've finally managed to successfully get out of the tub I rub my body dry and put on my fluffy bathrobe, another small source of comfort.

After grabbing the bottle, I walk over to my bedroom, noticing Edith Piaf still blaring across my quarters, I call out. "Computer, end music.“

I sigh once the lights are dimmed and I'm lying in my bed. Drowsiness soon lulling me into a dreamless sleep.


	7. Paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn finds herself paranoid due to the dire state she's in, the void threatening to cloud her judgment.

"The time is 0600 hours.“ I have a hard time not yelling at the ever-annoying voice, groaning out in frustration. Another day, another pain.

I reach over to my bedside table, fishing for the hypospray with skilled precision, despite admittedly being in a dire state. A sigh leaves my lips once the effects of the spray are kicking in and my state gradually normalizes.

I close my eyes for a moment, only to open them again right away as she appears in front of my inner eye like a vision. Should've known it. I really can't trust even my own mind anymore these days. Why does my brain refuse to accept that she is history? That it makes no sense to remind me of her all the time because I have forever lost her before we were ever even truly close?

There's no use moping around all day. I have a duty to attend to. As much as I'd love to weep and drown in self-pity in the safety and privacy of my quarters instead. I have no right to do so. As captain of this ship, it is my duty to be a source of strength and a role model.

'Some role model you are.', that pesky little voice mocks me in the back of my mind. I sigh heavily and get up, dragging my heavy body over to the bathroom to take a much-needed shower.

Once I'm all dressed up and find my appearance acceptable, no damn it, not that word! Once I find my appearance decent enough, I leave my quarters, taking the turbo lift straight to Deck 1 this time to go to hide in my ready room.

Hopefully, my fellow senior staff and bridge personnel will leave me be for today and there won't be any major events that require me to actually be present on the bridge, in the captain's chair. I inwardly cross my fingers that my wishes will be granted, creeping around the corner to avoid curious stares once I enter the bridge. I feel much like a ninja, sighing heavily when the door to my ready room is closed behind me and I have managed to make it in here undetected.

Luckily for me, the Gamma Shift was still present, allowing me more privacy. Heavens forbid if Chakotay or Tom would've already been around. Merely remembering that far too cheerful 'Captain on the bridge!' of my First Officer the previous morning sends unpleasant shivers down my spine. I definitely do not want that repeated today!

I strut over to my replicator, pondering for a moment if I really wanna get my usual, but in the end, grudgingly state. "Coffee, black.“

Mere seconds later the familiar silver steel mug materializes in front of my eyes which I grab reluctantly. I still don't trust this thing. Suspicious that the liquid inside the mug could be anything but what I just ordered, or maybe even poisoned, I first raise the drink up to my nose, sniffing the liquid hesitantly.

Hm, it smells like coffee. I inspect the liquid closely and based on its looks and texture it very much appears to indeed be coffee. Oh, Gods. What the hell are doing there? Have you completely lost it now? What are you thinking? That she could've put poison in your replicator? Where would she get that from in the first place?

Also, if she wanted to kill me, I'm pretty sure she would've done that by now. In the little over a year she's been with us now there were tons of far better opportunities for her to get rid of me and in a much more efficient and sneaky way.

I shake my head at my own paranoia, finally taking the first sip from my beverage that indeed turns out to be coffee, lukewarm coffee. I spit the drink right back into the mug in disgust. "God, that tastes awful!"

If I hate one thing it is lukewarm coffee! Guess my not trusting my replicator today was justified. Deeming this situation unacceptable, I decide to pay B'Elanna a visit. If anyone on this ship can fix this pesky replicator of mine, it's her. "To you, I am merely a machine, much like your replicator, just like the Doctor...“

I halt in my steps, my head throbbing, my heart aching at the flashback of her saying that to me the other day. Tears are brimming in my eyes, sobs soon shaking my body. How could she ever think that I would abandon her? That she was nothing more than a mindless machine to me?

I can't help but wonder what she is doing right now. Is she simply going about her day as always? For a moment I picture her in her Astrometrics lab, tapping away at her console, viewing star charts, and mapping out our route back to the Alpha Quadrant.

'Does she really want to bring you back there? How naive are you, Katie? Isn't it much more likely she's currently busy scanning the area for the next Borg cube she could escape to and rejoin her beloved Collective?'

I shake my head, wiping at my eyes harshly. No! She's not doing that. I can't imagine that after all the time we spent together, all the progress she's made in regaining her individuality she'd throw it away one moment to the next to be turned back into a mindless drone. Then again, she feels like I still see her as such anyway.

I swallow against the lump that has formed in my throat, dusting myself before leaving my ready room, at last, taking the turbo lift down to Deck 11 where Main Engineering is located.

Hopefully, B'Elanna won't be overly chatty and inquisitive today. I really can't use that right now...


	8. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn receives support from an unexpected source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Finally, there's a ray of hope for Kathryn. I hope you're all going to enjoy this chapter. Thank you once again for your support. I truly appreciate it and it's what keeps me going! :)

I brace myself before entering Main Engineering, the familiar hum of the engines and warp core surprisingly soothing to me this morning. It's the little things that keep me going these days, I guess.

“Good morning, Captain. I didn't expect to see you here, much less this early. What can I do for you?“

I startle upon hearing my Chief Engineer's voice, feeling caught for a moment. Swallowing against the dryness in my throat, I reply. “Good morning, Lieutenant. The replicator in my ready room thought it was a fun idea to present me with lukewarm, undrinkable coffee this morning. I'd very much appreciate it if you could check out what seems to be the problem with it and hopefully, this issue can be fixed, soon at that. I've not had my first cup of coffee yet and frankly, I'm not exactly in high spirits. I think you get the idea.“

Her eyes widen visibly at this and she, to my relief tells me. “Consider it done, Captain! I'll be checking it out for you right away. After all, it's absolutely unacceptable for you to not get any coffee this morning. By the way, Tom, Harry and I are gonna go to Sandrine's after our duty shift tonight and I was wondering if you'd like to accompany us there?

It's been a while since we last went there together and we'd love to see you around again. You're still the undefeated champion of billiards after all, but Tom would love a rematch. You know how he is. Flyboy can't accept he's not best at one thing that is in any way related to his love for vintage stuff.“

I have a hard time not to cough. Did I just get talked into going to Sandrine's tonight? Every fiber of my body screams no, but there's this tiny voice that keeps reminding me that as captain of this ship it's my duty to bond with my crew, especially my fellow senior staff members and I do miss spending time with them too. Also, I did promise Admiral Paris to watch over his son and that to me includes spending off-duty time with him and his girlfriend and best friend.

Decision made, I answer the brunette who looks at me expectantly. “Count me in, B'Elanna. It would be my honor to join you later. When will you guys meet?“

She grins widely at this and tells me. “1800 hours on holodeck 1. I'm looking forward to seeing you there and show flyboy how it's done!“

I chuckle at this. “Shouldn't you be rooting for your boyfriend, B'Elanna?“

She winks conspiratorially at me. “Us girls have to stick together and support each other, Captain. I'm sure he'd understand in this instance.“

I smile sincerely and nod. “I appreciate the sentiment, B'Elanna, and I couldn't agree more. Without powerful women like yourself aboard my ship, I would've given up a long time ago.“

I pat her shoulder softly and she flushes slightly at this. That's a first! Didn't think I'd see the day to have B'Elanna Torres of all people blush, much less because of something I said to her.

She smiles softly and tells me in a tone so genuine it hits me right in my core. “The feeling is mutual, Captain. In all honesty, I'm so grateful to get to experience having another woman in command for once, someone I can look up to and relate to, someone who just... gets me and doesn't underestimate me, or give me easy tasks cause I'm a woman.

As much as I care for and respect Chakotay and enjoyed being under his command, he kept cushioning me and treating me like a raw egg, like I was such a delicate little thing, my Klingon roots not at all convincing him otherwise, much less my Engineering degree and abilities in the field.

You treated me as an equal and gave me a fair chance from the beginning, all the while not going easy on me, always challenging me, which I truly am grateful for. So, of course, I support you as well, I'd be a p'takh not to, considering everything you've ever done for me. You'll always have my back, Captain.“

I feel my resolve threatening to falter, tears brimming in my eyes at that heartfelt confession of my trusty Chief Engineer that caught me very much off-guard. Swallowing against that knot which sits uncomfortably in the back of my throat, I, for once ignoring protocol and all that jazz, take her into a hug, deeming it the best way to show her how much her words mean to me and that it is very much reciprocated.

At the end of the day, I like to think of us as not only the captain and Chief Engineer but friends, family even. A sob I am unable to suppress any longer leaves me as she tightens the hug, telling me everything I need to know, better and far more profound than any words could've ever managed to.

I sniffle and tell her sincerely. “Please call me Kathryn, B'Elanna. At least when we're alone, or off-duty. I'd like to drop those formalities if that's fine by you..“

She nods and replies genuinely. “That's more than fine by me, Kathryn. It means a lot to me that you offer to call me by your first name when we're off-duty. It proves that you trust me enough to allow me to do so and I swear to Kahless that I will never ever abuse your trust. By the way, not meaning to pry, but are you okay?“

I blink at her question, asking her hesitantly. "What do you mean by that question? Why would I not be okay?“

Don't tell me the word has spread that I'm not in my best state. It was beyond reckless of me to listen to Edith Piaf last night. You're really such a fool to expect it would go unnoticed, Katie...

She to my surprise tells me hesitantly at this. “Seven of Nine and you have been arguing again, haven't you?“

How on Earth does she know that? I frown and ask her suspiciously. "What makes you say so, Lieutenant? Frankly, that's none of your business. Seven and my private matters only concern the two of us. Am I making myself clear?“

She nods and mutters. “Crystal clear, Captain... I apologize for prying on your private matters like that, but you see I'm merely concerned for your safety. Seven of Nine is still very much Borg, and as that she poses a potential threat to Voyager and her crew, mainly yourself because you're the one closest to her and who has severed her from her beloved Collective.

I have installed eavesdropping devices on her alcove when I first built it to be able to ensure your and the ship's safety in case of emergency. I know that it wasn't a morally acceptable thing to do and I should've at least asked you for permission to do so first, but knowing how highly you thought of her from the beginning, always putting emphasis on her being human and hence deserving to be treated as an equal I had my doubts that you would've agreed to it at the time, had I presented my plan to you.

I'm sorry, Kathryn. I only meant well...“

I can't help but sigh. Oh my. Looks like my crew still doesn't fully trust Seven, hu? How was I the only one who didn't see her as a potential threat to the ship from the beginning?

'That's because you saw her through heart-shaped glasses from the beginning, silly.', that annoying voice keeps mocking me in the back of my mind and for once I have to grudgingly agree to what it said. I trusted her blindly like the fool I am because she'd captured my heart and touched me deeply from the moment I first laid eyes on her back then on Unimatrix 01.

From the beginning, I never saw her as a mere drone of many, a threat, a machine, Borg. To me she was a young human woman who deserved to lead a normal life amongst her kind as an individual, with thoughts of her own that weren't disturbed and corrupted by the hive mind, to be able to learn, grow, and be allowed to make mistakes, instead of always having to strive for that perfection which is like the holy grail to the Collective.

I knew she was different from them from the moment our eyes met on that cube. Was I wrong? Foolish? Deluded to see something which was not even there?


	9. Foreboding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn fears for the worst, not sure if she can trust Seven's integrity any longer. Yet, hoping that nagging inner voice of hers is wrong, afraid to ultimately lose the younger woman.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and ask B'Elanna. “Just what did you hear when you were eavesdropping on Seven and my conversation that day, B'Elanna? You do know that it was personal and I can only hope you didn't share it with anyone else aboard this ship, not even your boyfriend.“

She shakes her head vehemently, answering me earnestly. “I promise I didn't share this with anyone, Kathryn! I wouldn't dare. Also, I merely listened to the first few words and once I realized that it was a private conversation I severed the link to respect your privacy which I know you value a lot and for understandable reasons.“

I nod at this, relief washing over me at her words. Thank God she didn't listen to the whole thing, let alone share any of this with anyone! It's good to know even our ship's gossip number one has some decency and respect towards other people's privacy, seemingly especially mine which I'm truly grateful for.

Deciding I can trust her, I tell her. “I'm glad you didn't stay tuned for the whole thing, B'Elanna. Trust me, it was very messy and ugly, especially towards the end of the argument. You might have been right not to trust Seven, by the way, B'Elanna. I never thought I'd say that one day, but regarding the things, she told me that day. Frankly, I fear for the worst. Maybe I was a fool to trust her so easily...“

Her expression visibly darkens at this. “That sounds pretty concerning. Have you informed Tuvok about this yet? It sounds to me like we might be facing security issues here soon, if not already.

Also, I'm worried since I haven't seen Seven around in a while, which is unusual...“

She hasn't seen her in a while? This is bad! Since I know for a fact that Seven often comes around to work alongside B'Elanna here, in Main Engineering, much to my friend's chagrin, that truly worries me.

Suddenly an idea pops up in my mind. “B'Elanna, I hate to ask this of you, but do you think it would be possible for you to contact her later today and get her to come to Main Engineering?“

She smirks at this and exclaims. “You can count on me! There's some maintenance due in the Jefferies tubes anyway. I'm sure with Seven's efficiency we could get that done far quicker than if I was to go there on my own with my subordinates.“

Perfect! I chuckle softly. “I'm sure she won't be too pleased having to do that kind of work, but knowing you she'll eventually agree to it. That would also be a great opportunity to bond for the two of you, B'Elanna.“

She gasps at this and whines out. “Kathryn, you can't be serious! Me bonding with the Ice Queen? What if she tries to assimilate me?“

I roll my eyes as she looks at me horrified. “B'Elanna, don't you think that if she'd wanted to assimilate you she would've done so by now? She had plenty of opportunities to do so for the course of the past year she's been on board this ship...“

She rubs her neck sheepishly at this. “You're probably right about that, Kathryn. Sorry. I kinda freaked out there just now. Must be those Klingon novels I've been reading these days. They are a tad overdramatic.“

I bark out a laugh at this. “Oh my! I've read a few of those myself back when I still went to the Academy out of curiosity and to say they're a tad overdramatic is probably the biggest understatement I've heard about this matter.”

It feels so good to laugh again. Gods, I didn't even realize how much I'd missed this.

'While you're laughing like a fool, Seven might be busy planning the ship's destruction.'

No, she wouldn't be doing that! I can't believe that.

Ignoring the nagging voice and aching in my chest, I tell B'Elanna. “Let's go to my ready room now. I could really use a cup of coffee.”

What I could actually use shall never be mentioned, especially in front of my trusty engineer and friend. The fact that I allowed for my resolve to crack around her earlier was bad enough. I can't take any more risks. We head off to the turbo lift together, my thoughts involuntarily drifting back to a certain blonde.

Please be safe, Seven of Nine...


	10. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In search of a much-needed distraction, Kathryn goes to the pre-scheduled get-together with B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry on the holodeck. Things don't exactly go according to plan.

The evening has come around much sooner than I'd anticipated. I find myself pacing my bedroom, regret at having so recklessly agreed to this get-together with my fellow senior staff causing me to feel restless.

B'Elanna really has a way of talking people into doing things they don't actually want to do. I would much prefer to stay right here, in my quarters, doing the routine I've grown accustomed to these past few nights.

My traitorous mind keeps on once again wondering what she, whose name shall not be mentioned is doing at this moment, an image of the woman I can't seem to forgot no matter how hard I try appearing before my inner eye. In search of a distraction, I decide to finally choose what to wear tonight.

Not eager to waste even more time browsing the database for clothes, I check my closet instead and have soon decided to dress in a simple white shirt and black slacks. It's a casual get together with my friends after all, not a stuffy meeting with colleagues. Thank God for that! I'm truly in desperate need of a distraction.

After taking a quick shower and changing into the outfit I'd previously laid out, I leave my quarters and make my way to the turbo lift down to Deck 14. My mind's a hundred miles away when the lift comes to an abrupt halt, the doors swishing open, someone else entering, instantly alerting me.

I inwardly sigh out in relief upon hearing my Chief Engineer's voice. “Good evening, Kathryn. Looks like I'm not too late, considering you're merely on your way to Sandrine's now as well. Nice outfit. Trying to impress someone?”

I frown at her question, slowly shaking my head, telling her sternly. “No, I'm not trying to impress anyone. Why would I wanna do that and who would that someone be anyway? I'm still captain of this ship and as such, I do not fraternize or even dress to impress. Am I making myself clear, B'Elanna?”

I feel kinda guilty as she flinches slightly under my gaze, nodding her head she states. “Crystal clear, Kathryn. Pardon my earlier question. It was tactless and unnecessary.”

I sigh inaudibly and soften my expression. “It's alright, B'Elanna. Just please refrain from making those kinds of remarks in the future. I'm not in a mood for that kind of banter right now.”

She nods her head in understanding at this, telling me sincerely. “Of course, Kathryn. It was only a slip from my side. Let's keep things light tonight.”

I smile softly. “I'd very much appreciate that.”

The lift soon comes to a halt on Deck 14 and we both exit it, making our way over to the holodeck.

I ask the brunette curiously. “By the way, what did you mean earlier? Why had you been afraid to be late for our meeting? Where are Tom and Harry anyway?”

She waves her hand dismissively. “You know those two. They went to the holodeck way ahead of time, wanting to prepare something, or so Tom told me. I honestly feel like he wanted to practice before your match and he's probably playing against Harry right now.”

I chuckle softly at this. “That sounds like him. Well, it's been quite some time since I last played, so I'm not sure if I still have it in me.”

B'Elanna winks at me, stating confidently. “I know you do, Kathryn. You're a natural at this. No matter how hard he might've practiced, Flyboy doesn't stand a chance against you.”

I'm not so sure about this, but I guess we'll see soon enough. It certainly honors me that B'Elanna is so confident in my abilities though. I wasn't aware before our earlier talk in Main Engineering that she thinks so highly of me.

Once we enter the familiar French bar, we're greeted by howls and cheers. Oh my. What have you gotten yourself into there, Katie? The owner of the establishment, Sandrine, greets us.

She puts one arm around me, irritating me, her voice sultry. “Where is that tall blonde girlfriend of yours, Mme Capitaine?”

I cough at her words, thinking I must've misheard her.

I shoot one of my force ten stares at her and ask firmly. “I beg your pardon? I don't have a girlfriend, Sandrine. I'm the captain of this ship and as such I am single. I don't fraternize with the crew. Also, I'm not a Madame cause I'm not married. I'd prefer to simply be called either Capitaine or Kathryn.”

She nods slowly at this and mutters. “Excusez-moi. I'd been convinced that gorgeous tall blonde, what was her name, Stephanie? Non, Sabine? That wasn't it either. Anyway, it appeared to me that the two of you were very close. Is she not your amie, Katerine?”

Oh, now I get it! She meant friend, not girlfriend. Well, that's embarrassing.

I feel the heat crawl slowly up from my ears all the way to my cheeks, asking her. “Seven? Is that the woman you're talking about?”

She nods, her face lighting up. “That was her name! I knew it started with an S. Where is she tonight, Capitaine? I'd been sure she'd accompany you here. After all, she'd been a true billiards natural, much like yourself.”

I sigh at this and tell her dourly. “I've not a clue where she is and frankly, I couldn't care less. Seven is an individual and as such, she is free to go and do whatever and wherever she pleases, whenever she pleases.

Are you also tending the bar tonight, or are you only here to chit chat? I'm feeling quite thirsty and could really use a drink right about now if you don't mind.”

She quickly nods and scrambles behind her bar at this, asking me. “What may I serve you, Capitaine? Please apologize for asking you about Seven. I didn't mean to be nosy. It's obviously a touchy subject to you.”

Wait, what? How on Earth does she know that? 'You're so see-through, Katie. Even a mere hologram can read you.', that annoying voice in the back of my mind states mockingly.

I sigh softly and state firmly, knowing better than to let myself go too much around my fellow senior staff members. “A glass of bordeaux. Could you please bring that over to the billiard table? My friends are most likely waiting for me already.”

When I arrive at the billiard table, a heated discussion is going on which ceases once the trio has noticed my presence. I raise an eyebrow and ask them bluntly. “Were talking about me? Do go on. I'd love to know what you have to say.”

Three pairs of eyes turn my way, widened in visible shock. Don't tell me B'Elanna told them. She promised earlier that she'd keep her mouth shut!

I turn towards her and ask sternly. “Did you break your promise from earlier, B'Elanna?”

She blinks at this, the gears in her head visibly turning until her eyes widen and she shakes her head. “No! Kahless, Kathryn. A promise is a promise. I didn't say anything. We were talking about something else.”

Thank God! That was a close one. Sandrine arrives and brings my drink which I accept gratefully, taking the first sip. It's alright for me to drink wine around them, right?

After all, this is supposed to be a casual get-together and it's only synthehol anyway, not the real deal though I seriously wish it was.

Tom speaks up, voice laced in concern. “Kathryn, we're worried for you. Are you alright? I've overheard that nasty talk you've had with Chakotay yesterday on the bridge. You know that I usually don't agree with him, but he was right about one thing.

That self-imposed celibacy of yours is unnecessary. The loneliness is not good for you. Lanna has heard you listening to Edith Piaf last night. Is it that bad? If you need any help, please know that we're around.”

She heard that and she told Tom out of all people? She probably wasn't aware that it bore any significance. That dreadful all too familiar guilt makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I force out a smile and tell Tom lightly. “It's quite alright, Tom. Thank you for asking me how I'm doing, but there's no need to worry. I can listen to whatever music I like, whenever I like, no?

As for that conversation I had on the bridge with Chakotay, just because he decided to start dating doesn't mean I have to do the same. So far I've been holding up just fine on my own while being out here. Enough about me. I have a title to defend.”


	11. Shocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is shocked to learn that Seven according to B'Elanna is in a dire state. Yet, she can't bring herself to go to the Cargo Bay to check on her. Her guilt keeps gnawing at her though and soon she does meet Seven in a rather unconventional way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm back again with a new chapter. I hope you are going to enjoy this, if possible. This chapter might be a tad confusing, not gonna lie, but it's important for the rest of the story.

After our match of billiards which I surprisingly won, a fact that Tom took far better than I would've expected, we're sitting at a table together, talking mainly about ship's gossip. I'm not exactly a big fan of that kind of stuff myself, but seeing as how B'Elanna is the ship's main source of gossip and Tom and Harry seem to be quite fond of it as well, I let them be, mainly lost in my own thoughts.

That is until B'Elanna tells me. “By the way, Kathryn. Seven came by earlier as planned and we worked on maintaining the Jefferies tubes.”

My attention now fully on the brunette, I ask her, unable to mask my curiosity. “How did she seem to you? Was there anything out of the ordinary that could indicate her planning to re-join the Collective?”

To my chagrin, Harry asks, eyes widened in horror. “Seven is planning to re-join the Collective?”

I sigh, contemplating for a moment how much I can tell them before answering him. “We're not sure, Harry. She's been acting rather off these past few days, no actually these past few weeks even and I do not want to risk her harming herself, or the members of this crew.”

B'Elanna chimes in. “Kathryn, I honestly don't think you have reason to worry. She did seem off, however, in a much different way than one would they have planned to destroy this ship and its crew.

For her standards, which is to say something, seeing as how she usually is much like an Ice Queen and appears like emotions are an unknown phenomenon to her, the pain and sadness was clearly visible in her eyes.

Even that usually ever-perfectly coiffed hair of hers had lost its usual shine and looked rather dull. When we were working together, she simply did the tasks I ordered her to do, not objecting once when usually she would correct me, or call my way of working inefficient.

I'd never thought I'd say that, but I'm worried for her. She seems to suffer and I feel like it has to do with the two of you not having talked to each other in days.”

Seven is suffering? Because we haven't talked in days? No, this can't be! She hates the guts of me. Why would she be affected by me avoiding her then?

I tell B'Elanna. “Thank you for informing me about this, B'Elanna. What would you advise me to do now?”

She to my surprise answers me. “Go to Cargo Bay 2 and talk to her, Kathryn. Or in the very least check up on her to make sure she's okay.”

I nod slowly. “Maybe you're right. I'll consider that. If you would excuse me. It's rather late and I'm pretty exhausted. Thank you for inviting me here tonight. It was nice spending time together again. I'll see you all tomorrow.”

As I exit the holodeck, the words B'Elanna has said earlier keep ringing in my head. Seven who looked to be but a shadow of herself, sad and hurt. This can't be! How does this go together with what she said to me that day in the Cargo Bay?

It clearly didn't sound like she cared for me, or our relationship whatever that may be in her eyes to me. Can I risk it and check in Cargo Bay 2, to see how she is doing? I'm itching to see her, now more than ever, and make sure she's okay, as B'Elanna said earlier. Yet, I don't want to make a fool of myself.

I sigh and get on the turbo lift, deciding to head to my quarters instead. 'You're such a coward, Katie. Sure, go to your quarters while she's probably suffering and lonely. Some captain, some friend you are.'

So what if I'm a coward? It's already very late and I don't want to keep her from regenerating. Also, I'm still not convinced that my Chief Engineer's assessment of the situation was correct and Seven really is feeling bad and why should I be the one to go crawling back to her? After all, she was the one to lash out at me that day, never bothering to apologize for her behavior, or those spiteful words she spat in my face.

Once I'm back in my quarters, I for once go straight to my bedroom and change into my nightgown. I quickly brush my teeth and afterward sink onto my bed in exhaustion, my body soon succumbing to sleep...

I wake up and instantly realize that it must still be the middle of the night. Once my eyes have adjusted to the darkness I, to my shock, notice a figure standing next to my bed. Alarmed at this, but at a loss of what to do, I decide to pretend to not notice the figure. My heart beating wildly in my chest, I wait for the stranger's next move.

I can't believe my ears when a familiar, yet oddly strange at the same time voice whispers. “Kathryn.”

Who is this? That almost sounded like...

My eyes widen in realization once I am finally able to see the face of the person, the light from the stars outside illuminating it. I feel irritation, fear, anger, and excitement all at the same bubbling up inside me, exclaiming sternly. “Seven of Nine. What the hell are you doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night?”

This has gotta be a dream! Yes, there's no other explanation for this. This is just absurd!

She visibly flinches and mutters. “I... apologize, Captain. I was not aware that you were awake...”

The nerve of this woman! I ask her curiously. “Whether I'm awake or not, you are intruding on my privacy and I did not allow that. The one time I manage to fall asleep right away I have to be disturbed in my dreams by you. Can I not even sleep in peace anymore? Am I not even safe in my own dreams?”

The light shifts and seemingly in the blink of an eye she is gone. Merely distant noises that sound oddly like crawling can be heard anymore before everything is silent once more. What a messed up night!

Being 'awake' in my dreams is such a strange concept altogether. It feels so real, yet I know better than to trust my mind in terms of that which is clearly trying to fool me into thinking that this is anything but a dream.

I close my eyes again which is weird to do in a dream, but whatever and before long I find myself on what seems to be a beach. Waves are crashing against the rocky shore, sapphire water that's illuminated by binary suns catching my attention. I decide to sit down on a boulder and simply enjoy the view for a while.

The taste of salt in the air and the sound of seagulls flying up above reminding me of days at beaches back in my childhood. I almost expect dad, mom, or Phoebe to appear out of nowhere at any moment, but instead of pleasant memories, my attention gets distracted by fearful cries in the distance.

What's going on over there? Something tells me to not go looking, but being the ever-curious person that I am I can't help but walk over into the direction the yells are coming from, ignoring my gut feeling.

Once I have arrived at what appears to be a cliff where a group of people that look oddly familiar has assembled I am finally able to understand what they are yelling out. “Don't do it!”

Don't do what? My curiosity now peaked, I look up to the cliff's edge where to my shock an oddly familiar young woman with long blonde hair that's waving in the wind, dressed in a flowy white dress is standing, her feet dangerously close to the edge.

No! I can't let this happen. Whoever this young woman is she needs help. I will not allow her to throw her life away just like that. My eyes frantically search for a path up the cliff and I run up once I have found it, soon finding myself standing behind the woman. I slowly walk up to her until I stand next to her.

I rest one hand on top of her shoulder gently and tell her. “I know that life can be tough, but there is so much that it's worth fighting for. Even if right now it doesn't seem like it to you and everything looks like it's pointless like there's no use trying any more, believe me when I tell you that better days will come. There is always hope and you are still so young. Please don't throw your life away like that. Take my hand and follow me back down.”

The woman turns around slowly, her voice cracking. “Can I trust you?”

I gasp out once I recognize her, tears brimming in my eyes. “Yes, you can trust me. I will help you and be there for you, always.”

She slowly takes my hand and we walk back down the path I'd just come from in silence.

Her gaze is downcast the whole time until she whispers one word. “Why?”

“The time is 0600 hours.” Oh, curse that!

I open my eyes, ruffling my hair. Why does it feel like I haven't slept at all when in fact I slept longer than I have in ages and why does my head ache like I've had too much to drink last night when I know for a fact that the only thing I had was one glass of wine at Sandrine's?

Damn it! It was synthehol. No wonder I feel like crap. I just can't handle that stuff. I'm such a fool having ordered that last night.

This day already started off awful...


	12. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is remembering one of her first-ever encounters with Seven. Meanwhile, Seven herself is struggling with memories of her own...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, lovelies! In this chapter, Seven finally makes her first proper appearance. I had initially planned for her to show up later in the story, but I deemed it fit to get her to have her say as well.

After a quick shower, I dress in a freshly replicated uniform, neatly attaching my four pips to my collar.

“What are those?” I blink at the memory of her asking me that shortly after she'd freshly been severed from the Collective, that time we shared a very emotional hug and her eyes had fallen onto my collar before touching my pips.

I bite my bottom lip, the tears welling up in my eyes. She was very much still Borg at the time, but the genuine curiosity shining through that question, her usually cold detached eyes shimmering made her seem so human at that moment, almost like a child.

“Those are my pips. They represent a Starfleet Officer's rank. I have four of them since I'm the captain and therefore the highest-ranking Officer on board this ship.”

She nodded slowly at this. Seizing her curiosity, I asked her. “Would you like to be able to wear a pip yourself, Seven of Nine?”

It seemed like something had shifted inside her, eyes back to looking cool and detached, voice stern as ever. “I am Borg. Rank and command structure is irrelevant. Starfleet is irrelevant. Janeway you are going to add to our perfection.”

The tubules from her left Borg enhanced hand had snaked out at this, coming dangerously close to my neck, panic gripping at my heart. She would never assimilate me, would she?

Not wanting to take my chances, I hit my comm badge, barking out. “Medical emergency. Two to beam up to sickbay!”

The blue light of the transporter beam just might have saved my life that day and the Doctor had sedated Seven the moment we arrived in sickbay.

Until this very day, I keep on wondering if she would've really gone as far as to assimilate me that day, or if reason would've won in the end, making her realize that what she was about to do was wrong?

Oh, Seven. She'd come so far in terms of her humanity and regaining her individuality. If only I would've been able to convince her that I was proud of her progress and genuinely cared for her. I wonder what she is doing at this moment and how she is doing. All I hope is that she is well and continuing to thrive, albeit without my guidance.

The all too familiar guilt hits me at this thought. I would've happily continued to be her mentor, if only she would've allowed me to, but based on our last conversation, or rather our last argument, it very much sounded to me that she couldn't care less about my help or opinion. I sigh and leave my quarters, deciding to go to the mess hall for a change, not in the mood for replicated coffee, hopeful that Neelix has prepared a can of the real deal for me again.

I could really use that this morning. Those headaches are unbearable...

“Regeneration cycle complete.” I blink my eyes open slowly, taking in the familiar surroundings of Cargo Bay 2.

It appears the sedative the Doctor has given me yesterday has been successful. I could not have risked going another day without regeneration. After checking my inner chronometer for the time, I decide to head to the mess hall and get one of my nutritional supplements for 'breakfast' there to further ensure the stabilization of my nanoprobes.

Better safe than sorry, as I have heard Tom Paris say before. While brushing my hair which to my chagrin has lost its shine and twisting it into my typical hairdo, I realize that today marks the fourth day after my last conversation, or even last seeing the Captain.

I had been so close to asking B'Elanna if she knows how she is doing while we were working in the Jefferies tubes together yesterday, but in the end, I refrained from doing so, not wanting to turn into ship's gossip topic number one.

B'Elanna and I are not particularly close as well, so asking her a rather personal question like that seemed inappropriate to me.

I steel myself before entering the mess hall, strutting directly over to the replicator at the wall, ordering. “Nutritional supplement 5 Alpha.”

Fortunately, the mess hall is still empty at this early hour, allowing me a moment of solitude. I could have not dealt with unwanted attention from anyone at this time of day. Not before having ingested any nutrition anyway.

My 'breakfast' has soon materialized and I quickly grab it from the replicator, my heart aching at a memory flashing before my mind's eye. I once more curse possessing eidetic memory at this moment. “To you, I am merely a machine, much like your replicator, just like the Doctor...“

I once more ask myself if she truly sees me like this. That day she did not deny it when I made that statement. She did not agree to it either, however. Oh, Seven. You truly are such a hopeless fool! How could she ever see you as more than the machine that you are?

How naïve of you to have thought the Captain and you had been on the verge of becoming something similar to friends.

I take the turbo lift back up to my Astrometrics lab where I am going to take my 'breakfast', not eager to have company this morning. Why can I not stop thinking of her? It is obvious that she has made no attempt to reach out to me for four long days. Then again, as captain of Voyager, she has more important matters to attend to than to check-up on every single member of her crew.

She has once stated herself that as captain of this ship she can not always be my friend. At the time I did not understand the logic behind those words, but seeing as how she even missed out on our weekly match of Velocity three days ago, I now believe that I am starting to see the meaning behind them.

I seal off the doors to my lab once I am inside, leaning against my console, taking the first sip from my nutritional supplement, a soft sigh escaping my lips.

I have a hard time not to choke on my drink when I hear a voice that is not entirely unfamiliar, yet I can not pinpoint where I have heard it before either involuntarily disrupting my moment of solitude. “You truly are one of a kind, Mademoiselle.”

The blurry image of a woman whose face I can not make out flashes before my mind's eye for a moment, a different voice soon can be heard. “Meeting you was destiny, mon amour. Je t'aime, Katrine.”

Katrine? Who are these people and why do I have memories of them stored in my cortical node? The oddly familiar voice answers gently. “Je t'aime aussi, Anne. Never forget, chérie.”

Anne? I feel my head start to spin. No! What is the meaning of this?

I stumble back against my console, gripping onto it tightly. It takes a moment until I have regained my footing and the memory, whoever it might have belonged to has stopped. I quickly finish my nutritional supplement and afterward unseal the doors to my lab.

Not wanting to take chances, I decide to pay the Doctor a visit in sickbay and ascertain that I am not malfunctioning, or damaged. This experience just now was highly unpleasant and suspicious.

Knowing that I have in fact been experiencing multiple personality disorder before and not eager to have to go through that ordeal again, I take the turbo lift up to Deck 5 and go straight to sickbay.

Hopefully, my worst fears will not turn out to be true...


	13. Melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Kathryn is still desperately trying to forget Seven and move on, the blonde finds it increasingly harder to do so in return, a heart to heart with the Doctor not helping her cause either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincere apologies for dense Kathryn. :')
> 
> I canonically see her like this, however. Oops...

Once the turbo lift has arrived on Deck 2, I walk over to the mess hall. Hopefully, it's not too crowded there yet. It's still fairly early, so I can only cross my fingers and pray to a God I don't believe in that my wishes will be granted.

I walk inside and notice to my relief that some higher force must have heard my pleas. Neelix stands behind the galley, stirring today's lunch. I'd rather not know what that might be. I've never been too fond of our resident Talaxian's concoctions.

Please let there be coffee and not some outlandish Delta Quadrant substitute for it, but the real deal.

Deciding to let my charms play, I prepare my best smile before approaching the counter. “Good morning, Neelix. I was wondering if you by any chance have any coffee for me? It's a day for real coffee.”

He smiles broadly, bouncing over in my direction, replying cheerfully. “You're lucky, Captain. I have just finished preparing a nice can of fresh real coffee for you.”

This morning has just improved tenfold thanks to that great news!

I feel my smile broaden. “Neelix, you're a lifesaver! I doubt I would've survived this morning without a can of the real deal.”

He pours me a cup, handing it over the counter, tone gentle. “I'm always happy to help, Captain. Enjoy your first cup.”

Oh, I surely will. I take the first sip, an involuntary sigh leaving my lips. That hits the spot! The first sip is always the best one. As I feel the warmth traveling down my throat and soon filling my belly, my whole body slowly calms down, all the stress and worry of the last few days vaporizing if only for a moment.

I open my eyes, only now noticing that I had closed them. “Is everything alright, Captain?”

Well, that's awkward. I should refrain from randomly spacing out like this.

I nod reassuringly. “I was just enjoying my first cup of coffee as you'd told me to, Neelix. It tastes truly delightful as always. Thank you. I'll head to the bridge now. Would you be so kind to bring me the rest over to my ready room later?”

He nods. “Of course, Captain. You can count on me.”

I gently pat his shoulder, smiling gratefully before leaving the mess hall. The mere thought of all those duty reports awaiting me on my ready room desk threatens to give me another headache. At least reading them is gonna distract me from thinking of a certain someone.

'You think, Katie?', that mocking voice in the back of my head is asking me.

Well, here's to hoping...

Once I arrive in sickbay the Doctor immediately breezes over to me. “Seven, is there something wrong? Are you feeling sick?”

I have a hard time not to roll my eyes at his antics, an action I have assimilated from none other than the Captain herself who seems to have an affinity for the said gesture, calmly explaining to him. “I have been experiencing unexplainable memories that are not my own and remembering past experiences of being subject to multiple personality disorder, I deemed it best to check in with you and ascertain that I am functioning within expected parameters.”

He frowns at this and asks me. “When did you first experience those foreign memories, Seven? Is it a new phenomenon, or has it happened before? Maybe your lack of proper regeneration these past two days could play a role in that matter as well. Has the sedative I prescribed to you yesterday helped you regenerate last night?”

I sigh at his unnecessarily long monologue, answering curtly. “I have been able to regenerate the night prior thanks to the sedative you had prescribed me, yes. Earlier at my lab was the first time I have experienced those memories. My nanoprobes should have stabilized by now, so I doubt that to be the reason behind what has transpired there.”

He nods at this, tapping his chin in thought. “It's good to know that you managed to complete a full regeneration cycle the previous night, Seven. I'll run a scan on you to see if your nanoprobes have stabilized, but I'm fairly certain they should have done so by now. In the meantime, could you maybe tell me of what nature those memories you've experienced earlier were exactly? Were they auditory, visual, clear, or vague?”

He runs his medical tricorder over my body as I recount my earlier memory. “It started with a voice that sounded strangely familiar, yet I could not place it which said. “You truly are one of a kind, Mademoiselle.” Now that I think about it, the woman spoke with a French accent. Then another unfamiliar voice replied back. “Meeting you was destiny, mon amour. Je t'aime, Katrine.” Then the other voice said. “Je t'aime aussi, Anne. Never forget, chérie.” I saw images as well. They were of a woman but very blurry. I was unable to make out a face. What is the meaning of this, Doctor?”

His eyes have turned wide for a split second, a clear display of panic, telling me far too hastily, only resulting in my suspicions to grow. “That was probably nothing, Seven. Maybe it was a memory from your time on Unimatrix Zero One, a recollection of another drone's past.”

I look at him sternly. “Doctor, you know as well as I that this is not possible. The joint memories from the hive mind have been deleted from my cortical node the moment I first got severed from the link.

What are you hiding from me, Doctor? I can tell that you know something. Your eyes had widened in what I recognized to be panic for .2 seconds earlier after I had finished recounting the earlier events. Explain!”

His eyes turn wide once again at this and he starts to mutter under his breath. “This wasn't supposed to happen! You weren't supposed to remember...”

I frown at his words, asking impatiently. “What wasn't supposed to happen, Doctor? What was I not supposed to remember? Elaborate!”

He sighs dramatically at this, replying hesitantly. “During the attack of the Hirogen, many of the crew had been forced to act as characters of a holoprogram with the safety protocols deactivated, I shall add. Many crewmembers lost their lives at that time, with me being the sole medical professional around to treat the wounded.

The senior staff had been in the program as well, that including yourself and the Captain. The Captain had at first been forced to fight in a Klingon program, but I managed to get her out of there and treat her wounds. I had been against sending her back, barely having recovered from that first program, but the Hirogen hunters of course wouldn't listen to me and sent her back to their world war II program instead.

Based on what you told me that day, she was a bar owner named Katrine in that program and you worked as a singer at her bar 'Le Coeur de Lion', your character's name was Anne de Neuf. The program was situated in a French town called Saint Claire. That is the only connection I can think of.

Right after the two of you had woken up and regained consciousness here in sickbay, I immediately noticed a change in both your and the Captain's behavior, but it was impossible for me to tell just what this could possibly mean. You slipped in and out of consciousness after that point and once you fully woke up again, you both seemed perfectly normal again, so I thought nothing of it, blaming the ordeal you both had to endure that time.

Now that you told me about those memories, however, it all makes sense. If the Captain and your characters were lovers in that program, it would explain the way you acted in the beginning and those memories of yours.”

I could barely concentrate during my duty shift, my mind drifting back to that conversation I had with the Doctor earlier and those memories. That voice of Katrine indeed did sound much like the Captain's, with the exception that Katrine due to her French heritage had a distinct French accent.

Why would the Hirogen turn the Captain and my characters into lovers, however? It is highly illogical and immoral! How dare they interfere with our lives like that and why do I have to be forced to remember this? It has been a year since they had held us captive, based on what the Doctor has told me. I do not understand why those memories only surfaced now.

I shake my head slowly and step inside the turbo lift, stating. “Deck 6.”

How am I supposed to stop thinking about the Captain with this new knowledge? We were lovers. That mere thought is so absurd, wrong. According to the Doctor, I was an ordinary human woman in that holodeck program. My implants and scars were still there, however.

Why and how did the Captain, no Katrine fall for a woman with such oddities, such imperfections? The Hirogen must have forced this 'love' and those feelings of mutual attraction upon them, upon us. There is no other explanation I have for this.

Once I have arrived at the doors to holodeck 2, an emotion I can not determine what it may be washing over me, hurting me right where my heart sits. I clutch my chest. My vision goes out of focus for a moment, my respiration having turned labored. What is this emotion? It is most uncomfortable! Make it stop! I have a hard time not to cry out in agony, closing my eyes.

After taking a few calming breaths I have stabilized enough to activate the holoprogram that has turned into something like my second 'home' these past few days. Neglecting to walk to the fireplace today, afraid that it would evoke a new row of unwelcome memories, I instead strut straight over to my work of art that has been occupying most of my off-duty hours these past few days.

I feel myself calm down the moment my hands are sculpting and modulating the clay.


	14. Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven is longing for the person she has lost. Meanwhile, Kathryn finally decides to leave her quarters again and go to her Da Vinci program on the holodeck to distract herself, only to find the program is already running...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my lovely readers! The plot is slowly thickening. *rubs hands* I hope you are going to enjoy this chapter. If you do, please be so kind to let me know. :)

**Two weeks after the argument**

These past two weeks have been filled with duty and work, the sole escape, my safe haven being my off-duty hours spent on the holodeck in the Captain's da Vinci program. I had secretly hoped she would come by here one day, seeing as this is her program and she seemed to be so fond of it when she first introduced me to it.

I feel a familiar ache in my chest at the thought, causing my breathing to turn labored. During the ten days, ever since I had first experienced that memory of Katrine and Anne, I have been haunted by the same phenomenon frequently, the intensity of the occurrences increasing every single time.

It took a while to accept this at first, but I eventually was unable to deny the fact that I have developed a romantical attraction towards my Captain, those memories and dreams of our time spent together during the Hirogen attack, forced from their side, or not, providing an odd source of comfort to me during my time without the older woman by my side.

I have refrained to report back to sickbay for another check-up regarding my issue, afraid the Doctor could and would rob me of one of the few sources of comfort I still have left these days, the only true connection left to my lost love.

I gently trace the face of my piece of art, my forever sole source of inspiration. It is moments like this one I wish I did possess the ability to let out my emotions instead of merely being able to feel this deep howling emptiness, this void inside me. I envy humans for being able to 'cry'.

What wouldn't I give to be able to 'weep' right now, seeing how my heart aches so painfully in the left side of my chest.

I close my eyes, halting in my position for a moment as a new memory comes forth. The blackness behind my eyelids gets replaced by the familiar image of a bedroom.

I feel my breath hitch at the sight of my Captain, no Katrine, laying underneath me? No, it must be Anne. I am Anne, Anne de Neuf. She looks at me expectantly, voice thick in what I deem to be arousal if that intoxicating oh so feminine scent is any indication.

She licks her burgundy lips, causing me to pray to a deity I never believed in. “What now, chérie? Don't tell me this is your first time being with another woman.”

I swallow against the knot having formed in my throat, muttering. “More like my first time in general. I apologize, mon amour. It was a mistake to lead you on only to then be overwhelmed by the situation. But... you are so... mon Dieu!”

She chuckles in that highly arousing manner of hers before kissing my lips, causing my head to spin. “It's fine, Anne. Let me guide you through it.”

I shake my head, the fog in my mind slowly lifting and I find myself back in da Vinci's studio. The scent of my forbidden love's arousal combined with that unique ever-present scent lacing our kisses and her bedroom still surrounding me.

She is not my love, it was never supposed to be, just as the Doctor has stated when I first told him about my memories. The problem is, it did happen, and possessing eidetic memory I am forced to relive it every single day.

I sigh and turn back to the sculpture in front of me, looking back at me in all her, painfully realistic glory. Screw the Borg for giving me the ability to sculpt so realistically! It almost appears like she is looking right back at me.

Mere clay should not possess this ability...

Time has gone by without much out of the ordinary having happened, not for the Delta Quadrant anyway. I run on autopilot pretty much all through my duty shifts these days and once I arrive back in my quarters, I keep caving myself in, drowning in self-pity. Tonight is the first night in two weeks I feel like leaving my quarters. Somehow I'm in need of a change of scenery.

It's been a while since I've last been on the holodeck, except for that meeting with B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry a little more than a week ago. My rations keep piling up, my time there unused for all of this month. I take a quick shower then dress into a casual outfit, combing through my hair. Maybe a talk with the Maestro is gonna help me distract myself. I haven't visited the da Vinci program in quite some time now. You can never go wrong with art.

I'm confused when it turns out that someone is already running the program. What the hell? Who dares running my program without my permission? It wasn't created for public use. Feeling my privacy invaded, I enter the holodeck, determined to confront whoever has the audacity to run a private program of mine.

To my shock, none other than the person I managed to successfully avoid the past two weeks stands there, completely engrossed in modulating clay. I'm about to flee the scene and hide out in the safety of my quarters once again, but my feet seem to be rooted to the spot, frustrating me.

Why does my body have to betray me like this? I don't want to be here. Not if she's here as well! Just what is she doing here anyway?

'Modulating clay, doofus.', a little voice in my head tells me.

I thrust my hands on my hips and exclaim. "Seven of Nine. What the hell are you doing here? I don't think I granted you permission to use my private holoprogram. Did I? Also, I thought you hated everything associated with my person and that modulating clay was a waste of time and resources, or in your words 'irrelevant'.“

The blonde visibly flinches at this, stunning me and sending an involuntary pang to my heart. Her eyes are filled with so much pain that it hits me full force, almost causing me to lose my balance.

It takes a while for her to answer me, her voice unsteady. "I... apologize, Captain. It was not my intention to invade your privacy. You are correct. I have no right to be here. I shall take my leave...“


	15. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven and Kathryn finally have a heart to heart in which both come clean, Seven about the reasoning behind her lash out towards Kathryn and the latter about the reasoning behind her withdrawal from the younger for the past two weeks. Both are stunned to learn the truth...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, everyone! Did you miss me? Or rather did you miss this story? In all honesty, so did I and hence I decided to update. I hope you're all going to enjoy this chapter. :)

Where do I go now? Why can I not see? I wipe harshly at my eyes which are to my surprise stinging. Is this...?

I am Borg. It is impossible for me to 'cry'. Then what is this stinging sensation in my eyes that restricts my sight? This is outrageous! I can not function this way.

I lean against the next wall, feeling my body sink limply down onto the deck where I come to sit and rest, not minding who might come by and see me in this state. I am so tired, so exhausted. Only earlier I had hoped she would come by the holodeck sometime and that we could meet again. I had not been prepared for the meeting to be this soon, however, much less for her to greet me with this hostility.

She had been the one to introduce me to this program first and back then she had told me herself that I was allowed to use it myself whenever I pleased in my off-duty hours. Why did it hurt so much to hear her lecture me earlier? We have had our fair share of arguments in the past as well.

Yet, somehow, feeling much like an intruder when before I always felt welcome in her presence is a pain similar to receiving a blow right to the heart. I am aware that she does not return my romantic attractions, but I did not even tell her of that.

Is she aware due to that 'female intuition' I have heard Sam Wildman talk about before? I personally do not believe in such a thing, however, what else could be the explanation?

I'm shocked as she rushes out of the holodeck. This behavior of hers is so new, so atypical. Just what's gotten into her? I slowly walk over to the clay sculpture she's been working on up until now, my curiosity once again getting the best of me. That'll sure be the death of me one of these days, that damned curiosity of mine!

Once I stand in front of the sculpture I can't believe my eyes. There in all her beauty and glory, words I would usually never associate with my person but that her sculpture of myself clearly represents and it is supposed to be me, that much is obvious, because the resemblance is uncanny stands a perfect replica of myself, life-size as well.

One question keeps on bugging me. How long has she been working on this? A sculpture of this size and precision must've taken hours of hard work and dedication.

I feel tears well up in my eyes, my hands softly tracing the form her own beautiful long fingers have traced merely minutes ago. Suddenly remembering something I end the program and ask the computer how many times my program has been run in the past two weeks.

The computer to my astonishment states that it has been run every single day ever since then and always around the same time. Following a sudden impulse, I ask the computer to show me the footage of the times my program has been run. The computer, knowing that I'm the creator of this private program fortunately complies without delay, the studio soon rematerializing, the computer stating a date two weeks ago, the day after our argument, the time the same as the following days she entered the program, 1800 hours.

I see Seven enter the studio and to my surprise, she is dressed in her Velocity gear. I feel a pang in my chest when the realization hits me. She had really come here for our match that day and I stood her up...

My eyes eagerly follow her every move, curious to see what she's gonna do next. She walks over to the fireplace, surprising me once again.

Her eyes are fixed on the holo image of a fire burning in the hearth. Hours seem to go by in which she just keeps standing there motionless, confusing me. What is she doing there? She finally walks away from the fireplace and to my astonishment comes to a halt in front of the clay sculpture I made as a model to show her how it's done a while back.

I swallow against the knot having formed in my throat as she gently touches the head, much like I touched the sculpture she created earlier. She grabs a chunk of clay next, starting to carefully roll the material on the table to soften it up, not minding the fact that her hands get dirty in the process.

Determination is written all over her face as she starts to sculpt away. I watch in admiration the way she slowly modulates my face with a precision only an ex-member of the Collective could possess. Then again, it clearly requires a certain skill set to craft a masterpiece like the sculpture she created.

Remembering her few talks from her time pre-assimilation, she used to love to draw as a child. That explains her artistic talent.

"Captain, you are still here. I apologize for the intrusion...“

I quickly turn around to face her, my heart racing wildly in my chest.

Get a grip, Katie! It's now, or never. Suck up that pride of yours and talk to her. She needs you now.

I swallow against the painful knot in my throat and tell her. "Seven, please stay. I'm curious to know why you spent the last two weeks here, creating a masterpiece of my person no less. I thought you despise me, see me as a monster who forcefully snatched you from the Collective like a bounty hunter.

May you explain to me your actions? I want to understand you, Seven, even if you most likely don't believe the honesty of my motives...“

She turns around at this, her eyes meeting mine, a profound sadness in them and something else I can't decipher, hitting me right in the heart.

Her voice sounds hoarse as she tells me. "I sincerely apologize for what I said to you that night in the Cargo Bay, Captain. I was infuriated, hurt, and just generally unwell due to our previous disagreement in your ready room and had unsuccessfully tried to calm down by assimilating new data about your person which I know was another mistake from my side.

I should have simply asked you, but I was hurt and afraid you would send me away if I was to ask you personal questions about your time before taking over command of Voyager.

So I, in a lack of a better option, somehow desperate for a certain piece of information that I was not aware myself what it was, hacked into Starfleet's database and what I came across there in your old personality file only enraged and hurt me more for reasons I can not explain.

Then the next day, I, when you did not show up for our scheduled match of Velocity without informing me that you would not be able to attend it, decided to enter your da Vinci program instead, feeling a strong urge to be close to you, despite you not actually being around.

The sculpture happened by chance. I did not plan to create a life-size replica of your person, but my hands seemed to have a mind of their own, or so it appeared...“

I gasp out at her words. "Gods, Seven! I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. I should've known you were mad, that you didn't mean those nasty words you said to me that day, but you hurt me, deeply, every single word felt like a needle hitting me right where it hurts the most.

It was wrong to try to avoid you the last two weeks, but I'm in all honesty a coward and I was convinced you didn't want to see me anymore, much less talk to me, or play Velocity together after hearing what I thought was your honest opinion of me that you spat in my face that day in the Cargo Bay.

I also want to apologize for my reaction earlier and that day, but I was hurt, wounded by your hostility towards me after everything we've been through together, all those precious moments we spent together, and all the progress you'd made in terms of reclaiming your humanity and regaining your individuality.

I'm so proud of you, Seven, and I'd thought we were on our way to becoming friends, but after that confrontation, I had been convinced my hopes in terms of that had been futile.

Just what was it you had found out about me from Starfleet's database that enraged you so much?“

My heart performs a somersault at the softest most gentle feeling on my cheeks which I notice to my astonishment are Seven's hands.

Her voice sounds warmer than I've ever expected it to be capable to sound when she tells me sincerely. "I did not mean to cause you pain, to upset you, and to make you cry, Captain. What I said to you that day, enraged, or not, can not be apologized and was unacceptable and unjustified. You have been nothing but kind, patient, understanding, and compassionate towards me, despite my rather complicated personality and our differences.

You have nothing to apologize for, Captain. It is I, who should feel sorry since I am the individual to blame for what happened that day in Cargo Bay 2. Believe it, or not, I did feel the same regarding the parameters of our relationship. Like yourself, I had been hoping we might be able to form a friendship in the future, or that we had in fact already formed one.

However, friends do not betray each other's trust the way I did with you that day. I am undeserving of your friendship, your kindness, and your forgiveness. It is the least I can do to tell you the information I had found out that day which led to me lashing out at you as I did.

It stated on your personality file that you were engaged to a human male with the designation Mark William Johnson. I was not aware of your affiliation with the said human male, or with any individual for that matter, and for some reason it hurt me in my cardiovascular system, causing an uncomfortable tightening sensation right where my heart sits on the left side of my chest and my respiration was restricted as well, resulting in my vision to unfocus...“


	16. Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their long-suppressed desire causes Seven to make a bold move and Kathryn is unable to say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, woo-hoo. It's starting to get hot in here... ^^

I blink at her words, an odd flutter forming in the pit of my stomach and a feeling that I soon to my own surprise recognize as hope starts to blossom in my heart. Ditching protocol as well as rules and regulations that I'm sure forbid that kind of action I take Seven in a warm hug, gently running one hand over her back in what I hope to be a soothing, comforting gesture.

My voice thick with a new row of tears I whisper in her ear. "Oh, my darling, Seven. You did not betray me. I'm very well aware that you still have a lot to learn in terms of emotions and humanity and I'm more than willing to help you with that if you allow me, that is. You are very much deserving of my kindness, compassion, and my friendship, Seven, as well as my trust.

It was your good right to inform yourself about your fellow crew members, or in that case myself. It's no secret that I was engaged to Mark before we left Earth. However, he broke off our engagement a while ago because he had been convinced that I was dead and he had in the meantime found a new partner to who he is now married.

Can't say that it was a big loss exactly, seeing as how our sex life was anything but satisfying and the relationship was overall lacking. So, I am officially single and available.“

I chuckle dryly at my own words. Yeah, right, Katie. You are single and on the market, hu? As if anyone would care for that fact. Who would seriously be interested in a cranky old starship captain like yourself?

To my surprise and shock, Seven tells me in a voice that sounds much like a purr. "Is that so? I am pleased to hear you are available, Captain. Pardon my words, but this Mark Johnson sounds like he was undeserving of you in the first place. A woman like yourself deserves to be satisfied and appreciated in the right way.

I, as your friend who so happens to possess the collective knowledge of thousands of species, including that of how to best pleasure a human female, in addition with my enhanced stamina and strength, not to forget the Borg enhanced fingers on my left hand, would be very willing to help you out in terms of that. If you'd allow me that is, Kathryn.“

A very uncaptainlike squeak leaves my lips as her surprisingly warm metal-tipped fingers trace my lips at this. Gods, Katie. What have you gotten yourself into there?

I lick my lips, completely having forgotten her finger that has come to rest on it, accidentally brushing it with my tongue, groaning out at the foreign, yet very alluring taste of it, a combination of metal and as I notice clay.

Of course, she modulated that sculpture earlier in the Maestro's studio after all.

I feel a heat pool between my legs I honestly didn't think I was capable of experiencing anymore, seeing as how I've lived in self-imposed celibacy for so long now, and Mark and I had stopped having sex after our first year of being engaged.

As Seven's right hand slowly, tantalizingly starts tracing my sides I call out, voice raspy due to the amount of built-up tension and arousal caused by our actions. "Computer, initiate side-to-side transport to the captain's quarters, more specifically the bedroom in the captain's quarters.“

I can't risk us getting caught in a compromising position on the holodeck like this after all. I have a reputation to uphold. My main concern, admittedly, is Seven getting caught with me like this.

All hell would break loose if someone would run into her making love to me, depending on the person potentially catching us and their opinion on Seven, they'd probably think she's taking advantage of me, or trying to harm me.

I'm very well aware that to my own dismay, most of my crew still sees her as a potential threat to us and doesn't trust her.

I sigh in relief when the familiar blue light of the transporter beam engulfs us and mere seconds later we re-materialize in the safety of my bedroom.

Seven's cheeks are to my surprise pink, her eyes round in wonder and glazed over. Her next words stunning me. “I did not expect for you to trust me as much as to introduce me to your private quarters, much less your bedroom, Captain. This place is surprisingly generous in size and it has a pleasantly 'cozy' atmosphere. It is very appealing.“

An oh too familiar, sickening feeling makes itself known in the pit of my stomach at her words. My voice laced thick in guilt I tell her apologetically. “I'm sorry that you're still forced to stay in that dreadful, cold Cargo Bay, Seven.

You deserve to have quarters of your own, a private refuge you can retreat to when you are in search of privacy, or solitude, a personal space where you can feel at home and comfortable after a long day of duty. A place you look forward to going to, instead of being forced to do so, in lack of a better option, just because it's spacious enough to house that alcove of yours...“

I smile softly at her at this, stating gently. “I do not require a 'private space', Kathryn. Do not worry about me. The fact that I find your bedroom to be 'cozy' does not mean that I desire to have quarters or even a bedroom of my own.

Borg do not require privacy. It is a foreign concept to me that I am aware plays a very significant role in the lives of humans, however. Especially in your life and I respect that. That knowledge does not affect my own view on the matter as irrelevant.“

She nods slowly and it is plain to see that she is not satisfied with my answer. Something is bothering her. My heart clenches painfully in my chest. I do not wish to displease her, disappoint her. She looks so much like Katrine, the way her brows are furrowed, those fine lines between her brows and on her forehead having turned more prominent.

To my surprise, her expression within seemingly the blink of an eye changes into a soft smile and she tells me. “Of course, Seven. I don't want to force you into moving out of the Cargo Bay if you're fine staying there. If your opinion on the matter should ever change though, don't be afraid to tell me so. I'm sure there would be a way to arrange private quarters for you somehow.“

I nod slowly to appease her. “Acceptable. If you do not mind I would prefer to stop this conversation now and commence with what we came here for in the first place. Shall I disrobe you, or do you wish to perform this action yourself instead, Kathryn?“

A curious sensation, I have assimilated from Anne during my 'daydreams' which feels like a flutter in the pit of my abdomen starts as her cheeks turn a soft red, causing me to smirk.

I have a hard time not to groan out as the familiar delectable scent of her arousal hits my nostrils, that lip bite of hers, and the even huskier tone her voice has taken on, sending a familiar heat to pool in my nether region. "I'd love for you to undress me, Seven. It's more appealing than me doing it myself.“

I smirk before licking my lips, playing my trump card, my eyes batted in mock innocence. “I will gladly comply, Kathryn.“

I feel my own respiration and perspiration increase, much as I notice to my delight hers have as well, quickly disrobing her of her shirt, taking a moment to admire the sight. She is now merely dressed in an unfamiliar garment anymore which only adds to her allure.

I cock my brow and state matter-of-factly “This garment, albeit its function is unknown to me, looks very aesthetically pleasing on you, Kathryn. Is it customary for human females to wear it?“

She nods and chuckles in that alluring fashion of hers at this, sending shivers down the whole of my body. “Yes, Seven. That black piece of clothing is commonly referred to as a bra.

It's a piece of lingerie, or in other words underwear that has been invented to protect the sensitive skin of a human female's breasts from ripping during physical exertion. It's also viewed as erotic to most heterosexual males and also females who are sexually and romantically interested in other females.“

I lick my lips and tell her firmly. “That explains why I enjoy seeing you in this garment, Kathryn. This 'bra' accentuates your physique in a most delightful manner. However, I would prefer to see what's hidden inside, if that is acceptable for you.“

I bite my lip as her cheeks turn a most alluring shade of red, her voice sounding unsteady. “That is very acceptable, Seven. Please take it off.“

I can not help but smirk once more, trying but failing to rid her of the 'bra', my frustration causing me to groan. “Kathryn, I do not seem to be able to open this 'bra'. This is most frustrating!“

She chuckles once more at this, oh those chuckles, and tells me patiently. “It's held together at the back by a clip. You need to open that by unhinging it. Do you know what I mean, or shall I do it myself and show you?“

Ah, so I see. I nod in determination before stating firmly. "I understand. Thank you for instructing me on the workings of this garment. I was not aware it was in fact this complex.“

She starts to laugh at this which confuses me, but I decide to not pay it any mind and instead, following her earlier instructions, determined to take off this 'bra' and see my Captain's breasts.


	17. Embraces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is determined to take things slow, afraid to overwhelm Seven otherwise while Seven decides to be a tease, knowing far more than the older woman is aware...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back again? This story is fun to write, I admit that. Thank you all again for leaving comments and sharing your opinion on the last two chapters with me. It truly means a lot to me. Also, thank you to those who have been so kind as to leave kudos. You guys rock! :D

To my amazement she has efficiently unhinged my bra in record-time, neatly placing it on the chair on top of my shirt.

Her eyes have turned an ocean-blue, scanning my body, her intense gaze seeming to burn my skin, causing my breath to hitch. “S-Seven, please stop staring. It's pretty uncomfortable...“

She blinks at this, confusion evident in her gorgeous features and her tone. “Why is it uncomfortable, Kathryn? Am I not allowed to admire the perfection that is Kathryn Janeway? I promised you earlier on the holodeck that I would appreciate you as you deserve it. Did I not?“

I bite my lip. She did say that. However, I didn't expect that to include her staring at my body like that.

My voice sounds raspy even to my own ears, my cheeks hot with embarrassment. “You did say that, darling. However, I did not expect you to stare at me like I was a piece of art. I'm not used to being looked at in that fashion, to be honest.

None of the people I've been intimate with before, which admittedly there were only two people and the last time was almost a decade ago, has ever... admired me quite the way you did just now.“

She frowns at this, her cheeks to my delight having turned pink, her voice a mere whisper and unsteady. “K-Kathryn... That word you just said, 'darling', may you tell me what it stands for? I am not familiar with it, yet it somehow evokes not entirely unpleasant foreign sensations in my lower abdomen and the blood has as you may have noticed centered on my cheeks and ears.“

Oh my. I feel my heart melt at her words, gently pulling her close to me, purring in her ear. “Darling is a term of endearment that humans usually use to address people they care for in a romantic, sometimes also in a platonic way. It is far more commonly used in romantic affiliations between two human individuals, however.

Me calling you darling means that I care for you a lot, Seven and your reaction to my calling you with that term shows that you feel the same unless there's another reason which has caused you to blush so adorably just now.“

I can feel her heartbeat thanks to us being so physically close now, the fast thrumming all the confirmation I need, but to my surprise, she tells me softly. “That explains why my body reacted in that manner. I do care for you a lot as well, Kathryn.

However, I am uncertain as to whether my affections towards you are of a romantic or a platonic nature. That is mainly due to the fact that I am still 'lacking' in terms of humanity and emotional matters. Could you explain to me the difference between those two terms, please? I wish to understand to be able to determine the nature of my affections towards your person.“

Way to go, Katie! Looks like you just cock-blocked yourself, as your pilot would say now. I should've known my darling Seven would require special treatment and guidance in terms of a matter as complex as love, or romance and she deserves to learn at least the basics before deciding whether she even feels ready for an act as intimate as sleeping with someone.

For humans in comparison to the Borg it is not merely copulation after all but has a lot to do with trust, showing a vulnerable, very private side of yours that could cause shame and embarrassment, even humiliation.

She tells me. “Let's lay down together, Seven. I'm unable to stand any longer. In comparison to you, I'm not Borg enhanced and also not young anymore.“

I blink at this. Why does she always claim to be old? I tell her sternly. “Kathryn, you are not old! It is normal for humans to not be able to rest in a standing position as long as a drone. I apologize for forcing you to stand for longer than necessary...“

She smiles softly, causing my heart to figuratively soar, the skin of my cheeks starting to prickle as she cups them, her voice soft “You're sweet to say that, Seven. I guess I'm not old per se, but in comparison to you I am and you are not a drone, darling. You are an individual now. There's no need to apologize.

I could've said something earlier, but in all honesty, I was busy minding other things than my protesting joints.“

I smirk at this, lacing my hand with hers, guiding her over to the bed, laying down, my left brow raised, my voice sounding an octave deeper than usual. “Want to lay with me, Kathryn?“

To my delight, her cheeks have once more turned red and she audibly swallows before stating. “I'd love to, Seven.“

I gently pull her down at this, which causes a high-pitched sound to escape her for the second time in the manner of hours. She sighs once she has come to rest in my embrace. This is so familiar, yet brand new as well.

I run my fingers through her hair which feels much like silk and calms me down effectively. I could do this all day and not grow tired of it. I smile when I notice her respiration has evened, her heart now beating in perfect synch with my own.

After a while, she asks me. “So, you wanted me to explain to you the difference between a platonic and a romantic relationship between two human individuals, right?“

I nod, inwardly rubbing my hands in glee, humming softly. “Affirmative.“

I feel my cheeks heat up as she chuckles at this, sending the familiar heat to pool between my legs. This is most uncomfortable.

I bite my lip and mutter out embarrassingly. “Kathryn, those 'chuckles' of yours are causing the most curious sensations inside me. I feel a certain moisture between my legs which evokes the strong urge to rub my legs together. Am I damaged?“

Did I go too far? If her silence is anything to go by it very much seems like it. You are such a fool, Seven of Nine. However, had we not been about to have intimate affiliations with each other earlier?

I feel my vision grow blurry, the room around me changing. I blink my eyes open, giddily anticipating what is to come. What will it be this time? I once again find myself in that room, Katrine's room, my body, no Anne's body pleasantly buzzing.

What is that smell? It is familiar, yet I can not classify it. I slowly turn to my side which results in me finding myself face-to-face with a beautifully disheveled looking Katrine, one of those alluring crooked grins which I also know from Kathryn on her lips, a glowing stick in her right hand that is emitting smoke.

After browsing the collective data in my cortical node I am able to classify the stick as a 'cigarette', a kind of recreational drug typically used by humans until it was banned due to the immense health risk smoking it poses in the 22nd century.

I feel a pang in my chest as this information sinks in and to my surprise, I hear Anne state. “You're smoking again, Katrine. I told you various times before that I do not wish for you to do so anymore. You promised to quit...”

An unpleasant sensation has formed in my throat, restricting my respiration, my vision slowly refocusing, coming back to the present moment.

I once more can not help but wonder if Kathryn remembers any of this, or if it is only I who due to my past with the Borg and possessing both an eidetic memory and a cortical node am forced to frequently do so even after all this time...


	18. Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn discovers that Seven proves to be a far more skilled lover than she could've ever anticipated. Seven happily helps Kathryn learn aspects of her own humanity the redhead never knew needed improvement still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Welcome back to this story. I hope you have all been doing well. This is my first update for this year and I hope you're going to enjoy it. If you do, as always, please be so kind to let me know. :)

Holy... Didn't think it was possible for me to blush even harder, but hearing her state that kind of information in that manner sure took the prize tonight so far. I wonder just what time it is now that I think about it.

I seem to have lost all track of time and for once I don't mind it.

I cup her cheeks gently and ask her. “Do you experience that sensation every time you hear me chuckle, Seven, or is it a new sensation?“

She stays silent for a moment, seemingly pondering my question before answering. “It... is not a new sensation, Kathryn. I chose to ignore it as well as possible in the past, but being so close to you right now makes ignoring it rather difficult, if not impossible.“

Oh my. This sure is a revelation I did by no means expect to hear, especially by my prized pupil, an ex-member of the Collective at all. Then again, I feel like, albeit in a rather kinky way, it's a compliment from her side and I gladly accept it as that.

Of course, you gladly accept it. You're already busy imagining all the times you had seemingly innocent encounters of what you deemed a professional kind with Seven, but then you started to chuckle and unbeknownst to you she was so wet and ready for you...

I curse that pesky voice in my mind for voicing what I must admit was nothing but the naughty truth. Gods, this woman really is too much for me and how is she so innocent about this? Is she teasing me?

I swallow audibly and tell her, voice hoarse. “It looks like my chuckles are sexually arousing you, Seven. That moisture between your legs is your arousal that is preparing your body for intercourse in your case apparently with me...“

She licks her lips at this, voice dark with desire. “I am 'ready' to be intimate with you then, Kathryn and it appears that my body has been prepared far longer than I had been aware. Does that mean that I am romantically interested in you, or platonically?“

I smile and tell her adoringly, my heart soaring. “It very much seems like your feelings for me are of a romantical kind. Oh, darling, I'm so glad to hear that, because you see I'm romantically interested in you, have been for quite some time now in fact.“

She blinks at this before frowning, tone clearly confused. “Kathryn, if you have been harboring that kind of strong emotion for my person for a long time, as you just stated, how come you have never told me so before now?“

I tell her softly. “I wanted to give you time to adapt to being a human first, darling. I didn't mean to rush, much less force you to do anything you didn't feel comfortable with or were ready for.

Matters of the heart are a very delicate thing that deserve to be treated with the utmost caution, Seven and since you mean so much to me, I was and still am willing to wait for you until you are ready and if you should discover along the way that I'm not the person you love, or truly desire then I'll accept that as well and let you go, as long as I know that you'll be happy in the end.“

Would you really do that, Katie? Could you seriously let her go to be with someone else instead now that you've gotten a taste of what being with Seven would be like?

I mentally brace myself for a rejection from her side. Her reaction stuns me, as it's far from anything I was prepared for, or would've expected. Instead of replying I feel soft plump lips touching my own, causing me to gasp at the unexpected, yet not at all unwelcome physical contact.

This is like no kiss I've ever shared with any of my past lovers before. I think it's safe to say that I've never truly been kissed before this day. The 'kisses' I shared with Justin and Mark never caused my head to spin, or this prickling sensation to form all over my body that makes me wish we could stay in this moment forever.

I feel shivers run down my spine as she caresses my sides. I reluctantly part from her lips as oxygen becomes a necessity. Gods, I swear, I've never been kissed like that before, let alone even deemed it possible to get kissed like this.

Her eyes have turned dark, her voice low and oh so sensual. “I hope this answers your question sufficiently, Kathryn. I do appreciate your concerns for my heart, however, I can assure you that there was not a chance I was ever going to develop romantic, or sexual attractions towards any other individual on this ship than you.

So do not worry about the possibility of having to give me up for another. That is not going to happen. Now, where were we?“

She smirks and cups my face. “I believe you were busy teaching me how to kiss properly.“

I can't help but blink in confusion, asking her. “Properly? Explain.“

To my delight, her cheeks turn my new favorite shade of red and she mutters. “This kiss we just shared made all the other so-called kisses I was forced to share with my past lovers pale in comparison.

I've never had the air sucked out of my lungs, wished for this moment to last forever, or felt a prickling sensation all over my body during any of my past kisses before. I didn't know kissing could be this pleasant, intense...“

I look at her, my ocular implant raised voice low, telling her matter-of-factly. “It appears you have 'kissed' the wrong individuals in the past, Kathryn, seeing as how I experienced the same sensations you have just described as well during our 'kiss', although I must admit I would have not been able to describe it as perfectly as you have managed to do.

My vocabulary in terms of 'romance' is still very limited.“

I feel a smile tug on my lips, stunning even myself, the familiar flutter in the pit of my abdomen having taken on an intensity it never has before.

Knowing she does return those affections I've been harboring for her for so long can easily be declared the best emotion I have experienced ever since she saved me from the Collective and taught me to feel again.


	19. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn and Seven finally work up the courage to confess their mutual love towards each other and spend their first night together.

Unable to resist the temptation that is Seven of Nine who's lying right under me in all her perfection I capture those irresistible lips of hers once again, my hands gently caressing her cheeks. Deciding to be bold I lick over her bottom lip which to my delight causes an adorable whimper to come forth from her before she parts her lips.

I feel like my whole body is on fire once my tongue comes in contact with hers, that unique flavor of hers causing an explosion on my tastebuds, the heat that's pooling between my legs becoming painfully obvious. Only with sheer willpower am I able to refrain from humping her in desperate need of friction. It surely has been far too long since I last 'got some', that much is clear.

She, to my surprise parts from the kiss. I'm about to ask her if I've done something to upset her when she turns our position and I soon find a 6 ft tall blonde goddess successfully trapping me underneath her. I'm certainly not complaining about that.

She simply stares down at me for a moment, licking her lips, making me blush for the n-th time that night. “Kathryn, you are perfection. Omega is irrelevant when compared to you.“

I believe I just received the highest praise an ex-Borg could give anyone. That coming from a goddess like her makes it all the more unbelievable. I peck her lips and gaze into those beautiful eyes of hers lovingly.

“You are perfection as well, Seven.“ She blushes adorably at this, shaking her head.

“I... I am not, Kathryn. My body is full of hideous scars and implants. How could I be perfection?“

I gently trace her ocular implant, causing her to shiver and suck in a breath. My, seems like she's particularly sensitive here. I kiss the crescent-shaped implant gently, followed by the starburst on her cheek and lastly the metal-tipped fingers of her left before stating.

“These only make you more beautiful and add to your perfection, darling. Also, they make you unique. You're not just a plain human being, but an extraordinary young woman who is fighting every single day to regain her humanity and her individuality. You've escaped the Borg, the strongest, most deathly force of the Delta Quadrant.

Your past came with a prize, but I think it's worth it. What matters is that you survived against all odds and prove that it was more than worth saving you every single day. I wouldn't trade you for the world, or change your looks, your personality, anything about you. To me you're perfect just the way you are, darling.“

I gasp as a sniffling can be heard. Oh my! Don't tell me she is... crying? I hear the red alert klaxon blaring in my head, gently caressing her tear-stained cheeks, telling her apologetically.

“I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to overwhelm you or make you cry. It was all a bit too much, too fast, too soon. I should've known you weren't ready yet...“

She looks up at me and shakes her head.

“No, Kathryn. It is not because of that. I am happy... Why do I cry when I am happy? I do not understand. I thought that tears represent sadness, but I am not sad. This is illogical and frustrating.“

I feel a smile form on my lips at her words, explaining to her gently. “Sometimes, when we are very happy, it can lead to us breaking out in tears. I've experienced this myself before in the past. There's no need to worry about that, darling. I know it can be difficult to understand in the beginning and at times frustrating, but that's the thing with emotions in general, they're a very complex thing.“

Seven nods at this, rubbing her cheek against my hand which causes me to coo out. “Gods, darling. You're so adorable! You're acting just like a little kitten right now.“

To my utter delight, she meows heart-meltingly at this, gently pawing at my naked chest. “This kitten wants her human's attention.“ I coo and tell her softly.

“You have my full attention, precious little kitten of mine.“

She smirks at this. “In that case, I wish to resume our previous actions now, Kathryn.“

I lick my lips and whisper in her ear hotly. “Gladly, my love.“

She blinks at this. Damn! Did I seriously just call her that? What a fool I am! I'm about to take it back, deeming her not ready for that kind of pet name, or any form of declaration of love yet when she beats me by asking, eyes filled with wonder.

“You... 'love' me, Kathryn?“ I bite my lip. There's no going back now, Katie. I nod softly, muttering.

“I do, darling. I've loved you for a long time now. I know that it's too soon for me to tell you that though and for that I apologize. It was a slip of tongue...“

I find myself whimpering as she starts to plant kisses all over my neck, whispering. “This is love, I love all of this, all of you, Kathryn Janeway, my Captain, my everything.“

I feel tears brim in my eyes at her words, a sob I'm unable to suppress escaping me, so touched am I by her words, her actions. This is love, I have no doubt about that either. Her actions soon turn more forceful, her teeth digging into my neck, right where my pips are usually sitting causing me to moan which in turn makes her bite down and nibble even harder. An animalistic growl leaves her lips, her voice sounding dark, possessive.

“No one is allowed to touch you, but me. You are mine, Kathryn. Only mine.“

I nod dazedly, coaxing out. “Only yours, Seven.“ She gropes my breasts, sending a jolt right to my core. She shimmies down my body, her hot mouth soon replacing her fingers, kissing my breasts all over, making me cry out desperately, grinding my hips against hers.

I smirk and ask her teasingly. “Yes, Kathryn? Is there something you wish me to do for you? If that is so then you have to be vocal about it, as I am unfortunately no telepath.“ I feel my heart figuratively melt at her cheeks that are turning a most alluring shade of red. I feel a throbbing in my nethers as she bites her lip, stating in the most erotic voice that much reminds me of Katrine.

“Seven, I'm about to burst. Fuck me already...“ She truly knows how to get her will this woman. I can not believe she would curse and that it would sound this alluring coming from her. My voice sounds much like a purr, her cheeks the darkest shade of red I have ever seen them in.

“My, Kathryn. I did not know you were able to be so uncouth, so blunt to talk in such a profane manner.“ I lean down, whispering in her ear, an adorable whimper escaping her lips as my breath touches her heated-up skin. “I will gladly 'fuck you', my love, but first this needs to go.“

I quickly and efficiently undress her, folding her clothes, neatly placing them on the chair next to her bed before drinking in the sight to behold that is Kathryn Janeway in all her glory. I believe even the Maestro could not have drawn a more perfect painting, sculpted a more perfect sculpture than this woman lying underneath me right now. “S-Seven...“

I waste no time and enter her surprisingly tight, hot center with two fingers of my left, a hot moan leaving her lips that tells me that I must be doing something very right. I curl my fingers up against a spot that according to my research on the subject should be located right here. I stroke her clitoris with my thumb to add to the pleasure, my teeth creating patterns on her chest.

“R-right there, darling!“ I happily oblige, never ceasing to stroke that particular spot inside her, my ministrations turning more forceful as her walls impossibly tighten, knowing she is close to orgasm.

My eyes are transfixed by Kathryn writhing underneath me, her face contorted in an expression of utmost bliss, a guttural cry leaving her lips that I am convinced can be heard throughout the whole ship.

“Sevennnnnnnnnnnnnn!”

I open my eyes lazily and am greeted by the ocean blue of hers staring right back at me, causing me to blush softly. My throat feels raw.

“Darling, that was... Sometimes mere words aren't enough to describe actions, or emotions properly.“

I pull her close to me at this, clashing our lips together with a forcefulness that stuns even me. A soft moan that sounds downright adorable in my ears leaves her lips as our tongues come in contact with each other, her voice hoarse she tells me.

“I believe I understand, Kathryn. If my torn biosuit is any indication, the pleasure I caused you to experience was... intense, in lack of a better word.“

I blink at her statement, my eyes widening in shock when I notice her indeed ripped apart biosuit, red scratch marks visible on her pale skin. Damn it, Katie! Looks like she wasn't so far off calling you a monster that day...

I ask her, voice dripping in the all too familiar guilt.

“Darling, are you alright? Do those scratches on your back hurt? Gods, Seven. I'm so sorry for losing it like that earlier. You just made me feel too good for words and... well I wasn't used to the intensity of it, your poor back was too close for my hands not to dig into it...“

She smiles softly, pecking my lips so softly it might as well have merely been my mind playing tricks on me before stating, ocular implant raised, tone downright teasing.

“I take that as a compliment for my services, Kathryn. Your inability to keep your composure is a clear indicator that I have satisfied you sufficiently and do not worry, my back does not hurt, my love. I am... fine.“

I feel a flutter in the pit of my stomach at her words and the beautiful smile now gracing her gorgeous features.

“I'm relieved to hear that, darling and you didn't merely satisfy me sufficiently, but better than I ever even knew was possible. It seems all my life I never knew what true pleasure and satisfaction were. Looks like it took being intimate with an ex-Borg to make me learn about that.“

She looks at me, an emotion I'm unable to decipher in her eyes, asking me in a voice so small I hardly recognize it as hers.

“What will happen to 'us' now, Kathryn? Are you still my friend? Or simply my captain? Do you wish to keep this to 'ourselves' and not repeat it? Was it what humans refer to as a 'once in a lifetime' experience to you?“

I blink at her words, gasping out. Oh my. I gently cup her face, placing a soft kiss on her trembling lips.

“Darling, I will always be your friend and for the rest of the time, we'll be here on Voyager also your captain. However, our private relationship, at least in my opinion doesn't qualify as merely a friendship anymore. I don't usually perform sexual activities with my friends, but my lovers and I would be honored if you'd allow me to call you my lover and you'd call me yours. I love you, Seven, not only as a friend but for everything that you are and you stated earlier that you love me as well. Although, I'm not sure if you truly know what it means, or if you just said it like that.“

She looks at me firmly, the determination visible in those beautiful eyes of hers, tone sincere.

“I am... glad to hear you feel the same as I do about this, Kathryn. I was afraid you merely saw me as a friend still or worse even wished to end our private relationship altogether, seeing as you care so much for your privacy. As your 'lover' I wish to relieve you of some of the burdens that come with that guilt you are feeling, Kathryn.

You do not have to carry it all on those delicate shoulders of yours any longer. Let me help, please. It is obvious that you are struggling every single day, having fought so hard and long, a battle within yourself that you deemed was for you to carry out on your own. You are not alone any longer, however, my love.

If you can not handle that shameful emotion any longer and it threatens to consume you, trust me, I know what I am talking about, having helped assimilate thousands of species is a burden I wish for no one to have to live with, please do not be ashamed to come to me and tell me about it. Talking does help, or so I have been told by a wise woman a while ago.

As for that tension of yours and your recurring headaches, I would gladly help rid you of those as well by offering to give you 'massages', Kathryn. It is a very effective way to relieve tense muscles and migraines.“ I feel tears run down my cheeks, burying my face in her loving embrace, her fingers gently running through my hair, whispering over and over.

“I love you, Kathryn, oh how much I love you.“


	20. Happy endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn and Seven learn what true love is and Seven teaches Kathryn that everyone deserves a happy ending, even a coffee-driven, beyond stubborn Starfleet captain and a former Borg drone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of this story, everyone! I hope you're all going to enjoy this new chapter. If you do, please be so kind to let me know. :)

I wake up, blinking. What time is it? Strange, usually the ship's computer should've alarmed me that it's 6 am by now. I feel a sense of panic rise inside me at this. Don't tell me I overslept? I'm about to get up when the door opens, my mouth going dry at the vision entering. Seven who is dressed in nothing but her birthday suit, luscious golden locks falling over her shoulders that oddly remind of something I can't seem to pinpoint what it may be, carrying a tray with as I notice to my delight coffee and breakfast inside, the sexiest smile gracing her face.

“Good morning, my love. After the events of last night, I deemed 'breakfast in bed' to be the best option. Do not worry about your duty shift. You are off-duty for today. I have contacted the Doctor and he is going to inform Commander Chakotay of both our absence from duty for the day. I hope that is acceptable to you. Taking your lack of sleep and our rather 'intense' time spent together into consideration I did not expect you to wish to go on bridge duty today. Did you, Kathryn?“

I cough at her words, my cheeks heating up, my voice sounding awfully raw thanks to our strenuous activities of the previous night.

“Thank you, darling. Yes, you're right. I honestly feel like I won't be able to leave bed at all today. I've never felt so sore before after being intimate with any of my past lovers.“

She smirks and states mischievously at this, eyebrow raised and all. “None of your past lovers was Borg after all, so that is to be expected.“

I chuckle at her words, motioning her over. She walks over gracefully at this, placing the tray on the bedside table which finally gives me an opportunity to drink in the sight to behold that is Seven of Nine. Gods, she's even more divine than I'd anticipated and fantasized about on my lonely nights, and boy, was there many of those ever since she's come on board this ship. I lick my lips, purring.

“Darling, would you be so kind to step a little closer? I want to touch you if you'll allow me. I'm curious to find out how the implant on your stomach feels like.“

Her cheeks turn pink at this which truly adds to her charms, causing me to coo. I never knew she could be shy like this. That new side of hers is very endearing indeed. She steps closer, eyes downcast.

“Do you truly wish to touch me there, Kathryn? Are you not repulsed by my abdominal implant?“

I frown at her words, shaking my head vehemently. “Why would I be repulsed by it, darling? I told you last night that I love you just the way you are and I meant it. If you're uncomfortable with me touching you there, however, I won't do it. It's by no means my intention to humiliate you, or make you generally uncomfortable.“

She nods slowly before breathing out. “In that case... Please feel free to touch me there, Kathryn. I wish to feel your hands on me.“

Oh my. I'd gladly put my hands in other places too and please her as she pleased me last night. No, she's not ready for that yet, you fool! Also, it's still early morning. How are you so horny already? Damn it, Katie! You can hardly move, yet your dirty mind's working perfectly. Gods, those years of celibacy surely didn't do me any good...

I extract my hand towards her stomach, carefully caressing her implant which feels surprisingly soft and warm just like the one on her left hand. It's not at all repulsive, but very pleasant to the touch.

She shivers, a soft moan leaving her lips. “K-Kathryn, the sensation of your hands on my implant is very pleasant. Please resume your actions.“

I smile and tell her softly. “Lay down beside me, Seven. That way I can access your body better. We're in a kind of awkward position right now.“

Yeah, right, you old pervert. You want better access to her body to do what exactly, hm? She follows my request, eyes wide with wonder, lips slightly parted. She looks so gorgeous. It feels like a dream to have her choose me as her first out of all people and not only that, her lover as well. I position on top of her, straddling her thighs, my hands resuming their previous actions, all the while keeping eye contact with her.

This is perfection! I had never anticipated her touching me there could be this stimulating. In all honesty, I had been afraid she'd be repulsed by especially my abdominal implant, seeing as how it is the biggest one of my implants. I am all the more relieved that she accepts me the way I am. I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her down, claiming her lips with mine.

How I missed those kisses, her taste, and the feeling of her body on top of mine, despite only knowing it from our time in the holodeck simulation before. I cry out as she starts to grind herself against my abdomen, the contact of her most intimate body part with my implant feeling so daring, yet very arousing at the same time.

Despite my best efforts to keep my eyes open and continue to watch her, my traitorous eyes close regardless, the sensation of her sucking and bruising my bottom lip in a most pleasurable manner along with her grinding against me too much to handle even for me. My nails dig into her back, clawing at it like a predator with its prey, a knot forming in my lower abdomen as she cries out, a sticky liquid gushing out of her, right onto me, causing my own body to convulse, a sensation of something worming its way through my body sending me into spasms, a sudden sense of desperation to release the fluid taking over me.

A sound that sounds much like an animal in heat leaves me, to my own astonishment, Omega particles swimming before my inner eye and for a moment there it appears like I am floating. The Omega particles join together and form a picture that is the epitome of perfection. I gasp out in recognition and... 'love'. “Kathryn!”

I force my eyes open that feel heavy somehow. It takes a while before my vision has adjusted, a familiar smiling face coming into view, the sensual husky voice sending shivers down my spine as per usual. “Darling, you are awake. How are you feeling?” I run a quick self-diagnostic, starting.

“I am fun- I am 'fine', Kathryn. Although, I do feel rather 'sleepy' somehow.”

I feel my heart perform what feels like a complicated artistic figure when she nuzzles her face into my neck much like a feline, purring in a similar manner to one.

“That's absolutely normal, considering the actions we performed and your lack of experience in the matter. I'm glad to know you're doing fine otherwise though.”

I gently run my hands through her slightly damp hair, untying knots that have formed, most likely because she has not been able to brush it yet today. She nuzzles even more into me at this. Unable to help myself I blurt out. “You are much like a kitten, Kathryn.”

Her cheeks are slightly flushed which is truly becoming on her, eyes hooded. “I will gladly be your kitten, Seven if you continue pampering me like that.”

Pampering? I furrow my brows in concentration, running the unfamiliar word through my cortical node until eventually finding what I was looking for, telling her accompanied by a wink.

“I will gladly 'spoil' you, my Kathryn. You deserve it after everything you have done for the crew of this ship and my person. Also, as your lover, I wish to give you the attention and affection you require.”

She smiles softly at this. “I know, darling. You've told me so before and I truly appreciate it. You have no idea how glad I am for your boldness. Had you not nudged me in the right direction, I would've probably never acted on my feelings for you, or worked up the courage to confess.”

I chuckle at her words, raising my ocular implant. “You indeed are a very stubborn individual, Kathryn Janeway. That in turn makes you a formidable starship captain. I can imagine your past lovers having a hard time satisfying you, albeit, based on what you told me yesterday they did not even attempt to do so in the first place. I, however, am all the more gratified to have taken on the risk of rejection and confessed my true feelings for you and acted on them, as you referred to it just now. Being here with you as your lover was very much worth the wait and the risk.”

I blink when I hear sniffling sounds, my heart clenching when I realize that she has started to cry. Did I say something wrong, did I upset her? I cup her cheeks, gently lifting her face, my tone laced with genuine concern.

“Kathryn... Did I say something wrong? I apologize. I did not mean to make you cry...”

She shakes her head and to my surprise smiles in the most brilliant fashion, displaying two rows of perfect pearly white teeth, her voice laced with love and affection so strong that it takes my breath away.

“You didn't say anything wrong, darling and there's absolutely no need for you to apologize unless you feel bad for making me happier than I've ever felt in my 40 years. I never knew a love of that kind could exist, but you once more taught me an invaluable lesson in humanity, my love.”

I smile and tell her sincerely. “I will gladly teach you more lessons in humanity, more specifically in 'romance' and 'love', Kathryn. I believe it is safe to say that our 'love story' has only just begun.


	21. Happy endings Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks! We've reached the end of this story. It has been quite the wild ride. Thank you all for your continuous support and interest in this story. I hope you're going to enjoy this final chapter! :)

**One month later...**

It has been a month since we spent our first night together. My random memories of Katrine and Anne still occur every now and again. It is especially distracting when I am on my duty shift and supposed to concentrate on work. Today I have finally decided to take some action and go to sickbay. My weekly check-up is due anyway, so I might as well combine that with asking the Doctor for advice regarding those 'daydreams' of mine.

I am about to leave my lab when I get halted, my vision growing unfocused. No! Why does that have to happen now? I groan out in frustration, an action that I am certain I am only doing in my head. My vision slowly refocuses and suddenly I find myself standing in an unfamiliar building. I frown, looking down my body, inspecting my attire. I do not recall ever having worn something like that before.

My vital functions reach concerning levels when a familiar voice resounds from behind me. “Chérie? Are you alright? We don't have a lot of time on our hands. Shall I help you out over there?”

I nod slowly despite myself, usually persistent in refusing help due to my perfectionism. “I could use 'a hand' here, Katrine. If it is not too much to ask.”

If only I knew what I was supposed to do here in the first place, I could have most likely completed the job in no time.

She smiles a smile that to my surprise isn't her usual half-smile but this time a genuine one. “Of course, chérie. Let me assist you.”

I feel my cheeks heat up at her words, the fact that she used one of my own typical expressions accompanied by a wink affecting me more than I could've anticipated. This woman sure knows how to disarm me. In what seems the blink of an eye she has pressed buttons, quickly dragging me down the stairs.

We manage to hide not a minute too late, the building we had just been in exploding in front of our eyes. Our eyes meet, she gently caresses my cheek, whispering. “My favorite partner in crime.”

My vision unfocuses and slowly refocuses again and before I know it I find myself back in my lab. I inhale deeply, my heart beating hard against my chest, muttering under my breath. “Katrine...”

With my last ounce of strength, I call out. “Initiate emergency transport to sickbay.”

The familiar blue light of the transporter beam engulfs me at this and for a split second, I am simply matter, molecules that realign once I rematerialize in sickbay. I blink my eyes open, looking around for the Doctor who comes rushing out of his office. “Seven! Did you order an emergency transport here? For yourself?”

I sigh and nod slowly, sitting on a biobed. “I have experienced another 'daydream', Doctor. I had meant to pay you a visit here in sickbay for my weekly check-up when out of a sudden it occurred, my vision as per usual un- and then refocusing and then I found myself in some building alongside Katrine. Apparently it was our mission to detonate the building which we did. The last thing I recall her stating 'My favorite partner in crime', then my 'daydream' was over and I found myself back in my lab. I can not take this anymore, Doctor! Those 'daydreams' are negatively affecting my life, not only in terms of work but also my private and my love life. Is there anything, anything at all that you can do to cease me having to randomly relive my time in that simulation?”

He frowns, running his tricorder over my body pensively. “I understand that having those random flashbacks is difficult for you, Seven. Your vital functions are on concerning levels as well. I find it especially worrisome that the efficiency of your nanoprobes seems to have decreased to a point where they are unable to regulate your bodily functions, mainly control your perspiration any longer. When was the last time you regenerated?”

I blink at his question, telling him matter-of-factly. “I have started to 'sleep' ever since I have officially 'moved in' with Kat- the Captain. I did not deem it necessary to regenerate any longer.”

His eyes widen, his jaw dropping. “Seven! You haven't regenerated in a whole month? It's no surprise your body's in such a dire state then. Sleep by no means is a replacement for your regeneration. The fact that your flashbacks have increased is most likely a side-effect of the destabilization of your Borg systems. May I ask, have you dreamt of the events on the holodeck as well, or are those flashbacks the only occurrence in relation to that time?”

I frown and answer him hesitantly. “I have in fact not 'dreamt' before, Doctor.”

He gasps at this, exclaiming. “You haven't? That's highly unusual. Then again, it's only another clear sign that your body simply isn't ready to accept sleep as a form of regeneration.”

I nod slowly, letting the information sink in. “I see... That explains why my state has rapidly decreased. I truly enjoy 'sleeping' with the Captain though, Doctor. It is comforting to have my lover's arms wrapped around me.”

The EMH coughs at this, a completely unnecessary action, considering that he is in fact a hologram before stating. “W-well, I understand that Seven, but it would still be advisable for you to regenerate at least every 72 hours.”

I sigh and nod slowly. “I will comply, Doctor. If you deem it necessary...”

He pats my arm which has by no means the same effect the same gesture has when provided by Kathryn, telling me. “I am going to inject you with a saline solution, for now, to help balance out your electrolyte levels and help boost the function of your nanoprobes by replacing some of the dysfunctional ones with fresh ones. That should do the trick for now. I'd still highly recommend you perform a full regeneration cycle as soon as possible to further ensure the stabilization of your Borg systems.”

“Seven! Doctor, what's going on here? This is only a routine check-up, I hope.”

I swallow against the knot that has formed in my throat, my perspiration increasing once more. Kathryn was not supposed to see me in this... weak state. This is most unpleasant.

I tell her, voice small. “Kathryn, my check-up is through. Can we go somewhere more private, please? There is something important I wish to discuss with you.”

She nods, expression still laced with worry which sends the most sickening feeling of guilt to the pit of my abdomen. I am unable to meet her gaze as we walk over to the turbo lift. To my surprise, she states firmly. “Deck 3.” Hu, does she want to go to our quarters?

I ask her hesitantly. “Do you not wish to go to your ready room, Kathryn? We are still on duty after all...”

Her voice sounds distant when she declares. “You are sick, Seven. We are off duty for the time being. Also, there's something important I want to discuss with you as well.”

She knows? I had been convinced that she was unaware.

I instantly feel bad when I see her crestfallen expression. Oh, my poor darling. I gently pull her into a hug, whispering. “Darling, you don't have to be ashamed of being sick. It happens to the best of us. In all honesty, it's my fault. Had I not forced you to sleep with me instead of performing your regeneration cycles it would've never come this far.”

She shakes her head, my heart breaking when I hear her sniffling. “N-no. It is not your fault, Kathryn! I... I wished to 'sleep'. It felt so good, so right to fall asleep in your arms every night and wake up next to you every morning. It reminded me of that time...”

I blink at her last words. That time? I'm about to ask her what she meant by that but notice to my astonishment that she's fallen asleep. Oh my. Guess she's in dire need of proper regeneration. Our discussion will have to wait for now. It makes no sense talking about such serious matters when she's barely functioning. Had I been aware for only one moment that her sleeping instead of regenerating could be so dangerous for her health, I would've never agreed to let her do so. Just what did she mean before she passed out? It reminded her of that time?

Despite my protesting joints, I carry her all the way into our bedroom, gently placing her in her alcove, initiating a full regeneration cycle. Once she stands in her typical rigid posture, eyes closed, I gently peck her forehead, whispering. “Sweet dreams, Seven. I will see you again in 96 hours.”

I linger for a while longer, unable to resist the temptation to watch her. This truly never gets old. She always appears so at peace with herself and the universe in this state. I know that this thought is highly inappropriate. After all, it was the Borg who robbed her of her identity, her humanity, violated her, destroyed her innocence. At this moment I decide that I much prefer having her sleep in bed together with me over her standing in that apparatus. I'm pretty sure the Doctor wouldn't agree on this, however...

**4 days later...**

I feel my heart beat faster, the butterflies going wild in the pit of my stomach as her eyes flutter open, a smile forming on her face. She has never smiled this brightly before. I do a double-take when she says. “Katrine.” I frown, tilting my head. How come she knows that name? I state hesitantly. “Mademoiselle...”

The smile on her face dims, her eyes turning lighter. She blinks rapidly, her eyes fixating on me. “Kathryn. Was my regeneration cycle successful?”

I nod slowly, frowning. “I think so. 96 hours are over and you just woke up. By the way. You said the name Katrine just now. I guess you weren't truly awake yet when you did.”

Her face visibly pales which looks quite concerning with her natural skin tone already being very light as it is. She tells me softly. “There is something I have to tell you, Kathryn.”

I nod, sitting down on the bed with her, our hands entwining. “Yes, my love?”

She bites her lip and starts. “I have been experiencing what the Doctor refers to as 'flashbacks' ever since the time before we spent our first night together. Those 'flashbacks' usually featured two females called Katrine and Anne. When I talked to the Doctor about this he acted suspicious and 'shifty' at first before eventually confessing to me that those memories were from our time in a holodeck simulation during the attack of the Hirogen hunters. According to him Katrine and Anne were our characters in said simulation. Katrine was a hostess who owned a café during the day and leader of the Resistance movement during the night. Anne worked as a singer at Le Coeur de Lion, Katrine's café during the day and was the munitions expert of the Resistance group during the night. On top of that the two of them were like you and me... lovers”

A holodeck simulation? I gulp down, my throat feeling oddly dry. She looks up at me, asking me curiously. “What was it that you wished to discuss with me, Kathryn?”

Oh, she remembered that I told her that. The joys of Borg technology, cortical nodes, and eidetic memory...

I feel my cheeks heat up, telling her sheepishly. “I'd been meaning to talk to you about my recurring dreams featuring a French and a German woman who lived in a town called Saint Claire during World War Two.”

Her eyes widen at this, asking me, ocular implant raised. “Was one of them a café owner and the other a singer?”

I chuckle and nod slowly. “You guessed it. The Hirogen hunters, hu? I remember giving them a little departure gift back then. How I wish we could go on the holodeck again one more time to relive those times. I kinda miss our time as Anne and Katrine...”

She bites her lip, sending a jolt to my groin. Sure has been a while since we last... 'spent quality time' with each other... I lean closer to her, brushing her lips with mine.

She shivers, suddenly calling out. “Initiate side-to-side transport to sickbay.”

I'm about to protest but am unable to do so, the transporter beam already dematerializing us.

I feel a headache approaching as the Doctor's incessant rambling greets me. “Seven, has everything gone well with your regeneration? You do look rather refreshed, I take that as a good sign. You, on the other hand, Captain, look rather pale, if I do say so myself, and those circles under your eyes are a telltale sign of insomnia. How long has it been since you last had a good night's sleep?”

I roll my eyes and tell him in my command voice. “96 hours, 30 minutes and 18 seconds, Doctor. So please don't further test my patience. In all honesty, I don't know why Seven has initiated a side-to-side transport here. I might be a little tired, but certainly not sick.”

He looks at me with a judging gaze at this, Seven chimes in. “Doctor, do you happen to know what has happened to the holodeck simulation of Saint Claire after the departure of the Hirogen hunters?”

Why does she ask him out of all of our crew that question? If I, as captain of this ship don't know the answer to that question, why would he? To my surprise, he states matter-of-factly. “The Captain gave the Hirogen the program so they wouldn't have to go hunt down innocent species anymore.”

Oh, I remember now. Silly old me. He adds accompanied by a wink. “However, Ensign Kim made a copy of the program, just in case which should still be accessible through the ship's database if anyone should feel the wish to use that program again.”

Seven and I exchange a look at this, excitement bubbling in my stomach. It's still there! I'll have to make sure to thank Harry later. We thank the Doctor and walk to the turbo lift, riding it up to holodeck 2.

She tells me silently. “I did not think it still existed.”

I frown and ask her. “Why did you ask the Doctor then, darling?”

Her cheeks, to my delight, turn pink at this and she whispers. “I simply had to at least try. Much like yourself I do miss our time as Katrine and Anne and wish to relive it, if only for a few hours.”

I feel my heart melt at her confession, quickly kissing her lips. “Let's make the most of our time there, chérie.”

I wink at her playfully, leading her towards the holodeck. Once we stand by the control panel, Seven starts tapping at the control panel at her inhuman speed, scanning the database for the program.

She sighs out in frustration and pouts, causing me to ask her. “What's the matter, darling?”

She frowns. “I do not know the name of the program, Kathryn...”

I blink, pondering. Suddenly it hits me. “Try looking for killing game, darling.”

She nods, tapping away once more, her features soon lighting up. “I have found it! How did you know the name, Kathryn?”

I shrug. “It was just a hunch, darling. I'm glad it worked though. Let's go inside. After you, Mademoiselle.”

She grins and enters first before I step inside as well.

This is it! Le Coeur de Lion. I smile and grab her by the hand, eager to go to the place I have seen so many times in my 'daydreams'. Kathryn chuckles as I guide her up the stairs. “Where are we going?”

I smirk. “To your chambers, Katrine.”

She blushes at this, nodding slowly. “A-ah. Going in for the kill right on the first night, Mademoiselle?”

I blink before I realize what she has just asked me, the blood rushing to my cheeks. “I... I apologize if it is too soon for you. I simply wished to see that room again. We spent a lot of wonderful hours here, mon amour.”

I open the door, a strange sense of coming home settling in the pit of my abdomen. This is the place I have longed to be all this time. I walk right over to the 'closet', inspecting it for fitting attire. I blink when out of a sudden music starts to play. I quickly grab Katrine's typical tux, a piece of attire I find most becoming on her and a dress for myself before turning around.

My eyes turn wide at the sight to behold. Kathryn who seems to have already transformed into Katrine, void of her uniform dances lasciviously to the music coming out of the 'gramophone'. Not thinking twice I take off my uniform as well, wrapping my arms around her, joining on her slow dance.

A needy sound escapes me when she starts to grind her body against mine. I press my lips against hers, desperate for the contact, my hands slipping under her undershirt, caressing her toned abs, an action that causes her to shiver in anticipation. I groan at the delectable scent of her arousal invading my nostrils.

Unable to wait any longer I gently nudge her in the direction of the bed. She lays down, legs parted eyes dark in desire. This feels much like this one 'daydream' of mine. Being with this woman is a dream come true anyway. I roll down her 'panties', placing kisses along the inside of her thighs. She cries out blissfully as I enter two digits of my Borg enhanced left into her tight opening, alternating between kissing and nibbling the soft flesh of her thighs while pumping my fingers in a gradually increasing rhythm. Before long her walls are tightening around my fingers. Taking that as a sign, I curl my fingers up against her g-spot, engulfing her clitoris with my mouth, sucking the bundle of nerves. Her body starts to spasm, her back arching off the mattress, a gush of her fluids coating my fingers.

She's panting heavily, a wide grin on her face, motioning me to lay beside her to which I comply, voice a low purr that causes my skin to prickle and my own most intimate part to turn moist in excitement. “Come here, chérie.”

We exchange another kiss and I carefully retreat my fingers from inside her, licking her sweet essence from them. I swallow when she whispers in the most seductive tone. “I believe it's your turn now.”

We spent the whole rest of our time on the holodeck in Katrine's room, getting to know each other's bodies in the most intimate way. Our dates on the holodeck in Saint Claire have become a weekly event. Kathryn and I both thanked Ensign Kim and the Doctor seemingly countless times for saving the program and giving us the opportunity to relive our unforgettable time in that simulation. Our love was real all along, be it in that simulation or in real life.

It took a while for us to come to terms with that, I, admittedly, had to be nudged in the right direction by those flashbacks, but I think it is safe to say that both Kathryn and I are beyond happy with the way things are now. I still sleep as often as possible, regenerating for 3 to 6 hours every 72 hours which I usually do before 'bedtime' to be able to go to sleep with my love regularly.

We are both unable to sleep without the other anymore at this point and why would we do that anyway? Ever since I have moved in with Kathryn and we are officially 'dating', not only my life but also hers have changed for the better. Kathryn and I are slowly working on ridding her of that guilt of hers.

I have helped improve her diet by teaching myself how to cook the traditional way, preparing lunch and dinner for us every day. Despite me not necessarily requiring to ingest solid food, I join her every time for every meal, usually eating a small portion of the dish myself while drinking my nutritional supplements for breakfast.

I also prepare baths for Kathryn on particularly stressful days and massage her back and neck to alleviate those headaches and the tension in her shoulders.

The one thing I simply can not achieve is reducing her intake of caffeine. She still drinks her beloved coffee black in raw amounts, but I guess, some things never change and everyone has a guilty pleasure...

**The end**


End file.
